Animal Jokes — best jokes

What is the last thing to go through a bugs mind when it hits your windshield?
→ It's butt!

A duck walks into a convenience store. He asks the man at the counter:

- You got any grapes?

Guy at the counter says:

- No, we don't have any grapes.

Duck says:

- okay. - and he leaves.

The next day the duck comes back in and says:

- You got any grapes?

The man once again replies:

- No! We do not have any grapes.

The duck says:

- Okay. - and he leaves.

The third day the duck walks in again and asks:

- You got any grapes?

The man is very annoyed and says:

- No! For the last time, we do NOT have any grapes. If you come in here again and ask for grapes, I'm gonna nail your bill to the floor!

The duck replies:

- Okay, - and leaves.

The fourth day the duck returns once again and asks:

- You got any nails?

The man at the counter says:

- No.

The duck says:

- Well then, you got any grapes?

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
→ Unique up on him.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
→ Tame way, unique up on him.

Two Boll Weevils grew up in South Carolina, one went to Hollywood and became a famous actor while the other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.

The second one, naturally, became known as the "lesser of two weevils."

A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the old west and siddles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!"

A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all he visits a Cornish farmer.

- So, Cornish farmer, how do you shag your sheep?

- Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall.

- That's very interesting, - replies the researcher and he leaves the Cornish farmer. Then he meets a Midlands Farmer.

- So, Midlands farmer, how do you shag your sheep?

- Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall.

- That's very interesting, - replies the researcher.

- That's how they do it in Cornwall too. And he leaves the Midlands farmer. Then he meets a farmer from Abergaveny.

- So, Abergaveny farmer, how do you shag your sheep?

- Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over my shoulders.

- Over your shoulders? - replies the researcher.

- Don't you put them over a wall like everyone else?

- What? - says the farmer.

- And miss out on all the kissing?!

There were three men: an Englishman, a Scotsman, and a Chinese guy. They were having a competition to see which one could walk his dog over the desert without needing a drink.

So the Englishman sets off, but he only gets half way.

Then the Scotsman sets off, and he only gets half way too.

But the Chinise guy manages to get all the way across the desert.

The Englishman and the Scottsman asked him how he could possibly do that without any water?

- Me Chinese. Me not Silly, Me stick mouth round doggy's willy

Otis, Henry, and Tom were sitting in a bar discussing their wives. Henry started by saying:

- I think my wife is fooling around on me. I went home the other day and found a hammer and a saw under our bed. I think she is cheatin' on me with a carpenter!

Tom answered:

- Ya, I think my wife is not faithful either. The other day I went home and found a pipe wrench and some pipes under my bed. I think she is cheatin' on me with a plumber!

Otis then joins in and says:

- Well, if you think that's bad, I've got one for ya. I went home yesterday and found a cowboy under my bed. I think my Lina is cheatin' on me with a horse!

Why did the chicken cross the road?
→ To show the squirrel it CAN be done!

Did you ever hear about Blitzen the Brown nosed reindeer?
→ He is twice as fast as Rudolf but doesn't stop as quick!