Animal Jokes — best jokes

Harry says to his pet parrot Smitty:

- What do you want for your birthday?

Smitty says:

- I want to get laid.

So Harry takes Smitty to a parrot whore house, gives him a hundred bucks, and Smitty goes upstairs with a hot-looking parrot whore.

After a few minutes, Harry hears really loud screeching and squawking, so he runs upstairs and into the room.

There's Smitty, holding down the whore parrot and yanking out her colorful feathers.

- Smitty, what the hell are you doing? - says Harry.

Smitty says:

- For a hundred bucks I want her nude!

What do you call a bull in the middle of a field spanking his monkey?
→ Beef Stroganoff

Why did the toad cross the road?
→ TO Show his girlfriend he has GUTS!

What do you get when you mix a dinosaur and a lesbian?
→ A Lickalotapuss!

What is a frogs favorite drink?
→ Croak-a-cola!

There were three city mice sitting at a bar. The first mouse takes a shot of tequilla, slams the glass on the table and says:

- I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I walk throughout the house collecting mouse poison, return to my nest and grind up the pellets with my morning coffee -- just for an extra jolt to start off each day.

The mice look at each other. The second mouse slams his whiskey -- throws his glass on the floor and says:

- I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I go up to the trap outside my nest, I trip the lever and make the trap flip in the air, I catch the bar on its way down, bench press it a few times, twirl it over and over with my feet -- then I toss it to the floor, and take the cheese for breakfast. It's all part of my morning routine.

The third mouse looks at the other two. Bored with the conversation, he sets down his glass of beer and says...:

- I've had enough of you two. I'm going to go home and screw the cat!

An eminent teacher and thinker once expressed his philosophy of life:

- When it all boils done to the essence of truth - the philosopher said, one must live by a dog's rule of life:

- If you can't eat it or fuck it...

PISS ON IT!

- Knock knock.

- Who's there?

- Owls.

- Owls who?

- That's right! Owls hoo!

A bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods.

The bear turns to the rabbit and asks:

- Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?

The rabbit says:

- No, of course not!

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit!

Why'd the chicken cross the road?
→ He was attached to Dennis Rodman's head!