Staring down from the bench to announce the terms of the divorce decree, the judge turned to the husband and said:
- I'm going to award her alimony in the amount of $250 a month.
To which the woman's about-to-be ex replied:
- That's mighty kind of you, judge. I'll try to help her all I can, too.
Regardless of what you may hear, there's still many women these days who are excellent "housekeepers". Seems each time they get a divorce, they keep the house.
Two men are talking. The first sez:
- I got married because I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry and wearing shabby clothes.
- Amazing - said the second
- I just got divorced for the very same reasons.
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked:
- What are the grounds for your divorce?
She replied:
- About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.
- No - he said
- I mean what is the foundation of this case?
- It is made of concrete, brick and mortar - she responded.
- I mean - he continued
- What are your relations like?
- I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents.
He said:
- Do you have a real grudge?
- No - she replied
- We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.
- Please - he tried again
- is there any infidelity in your marriage?
- Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.
- Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?
- Yes - she responded
- about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked:
- Lady, why do you want a divorce?
- Oh, I don't want a divorce - she replied.
- I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!
What's the ultimate rejection?
→ When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
What's the speed limit of sex?
→ 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety.
- Private - the officer said
- I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses.
- Warehouses? - the private shouted.
- I thought you said whorehouses!
Two Marines were sitting around talking one day.
The first Marine asked the second Marine:
- If they were to drop a bomb right now, what would be the first thing you would do?
The second Marine said:
- I would screw the first thing that moved. What would you do?
The first Marine replied:
- I would stand very still for half an hour.
An old man approaches the window of a cinema with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies:
- Well, my pet chicken, of course!
- I'm sorry, - The girl tells him.
- We can't allow animals in the cinema.
The man goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into his trousers. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the cinema, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his trousers so the chicken can stick it's head out and watch the film. Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is horrified.
She elbows her friend Agnes and whispers:
- Agnes, this man over here has just unzipped his trousers!
Agnes whispers back:
- Oh, don't worry about it...you've seen one, you've seen them all.
Madge says:
- I KNOW...but this one's eating my POPCORN!!
What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode?
→ What a lavaly day!
