Best jokes

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.

Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.

The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.

The old-timer says:

- Look at me. I'm old and worn out.

- You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley.

- I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France.

The new man asked:

- What happened?

- One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!

A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.

- You just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it.

- Oh yes dear, what happened ?

- I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.

- Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them ?

- Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off.

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says:

- Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?

The man gets really indignant and says:

- Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?

Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

- I'm sorry sir - the first trooper told the driver - but I am still going to have to write you a ticket.

Amazed, the driver asked for what.

The trooper replied:

- Tacks evasion.

The Boston taxi driver backed into the stationary fruit stall and within seconds he had a cop beside him.

- Name?

- Brendan O'Connor.

- Same as mine. Where are you from?

- County Cork.

- Same as me......

The policeman paused with his pen in the air.

- Hold on a moment and I'll come back and talk about the old county. I want to say something to this fella that ran into the back of your cab.

When toasting the holidays, Republicans ask for eggnog or mulled wine.
Democrats ask for a "Bud."

Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve.
Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning.

Democrats get back at the Republicans on their Christmas list by giving them fruitcakes.
Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.

Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending 50, one buck at a time, to panhandlers on the street.

Republicans say:

- Merry Christmas!

Democrats say:

- Happy Holidays!