Best jokes

An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.

Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.

- Correct - said the chief.

- How did you figure it out?

The warrior answered:

- It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

- I couldn't help noticing how happy you look - she said.

- What's your secret for a long happy life?

- I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day - he said.

- I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.

- That's amazing - the woman said.

- How old are you?

- Twenty-six - he said.

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said:

- Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

- I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

- The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

- Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars.

Worried because they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son:

- Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Kirkland is?

A few minutes later, Timmy returned.

- Well, is she all right? - asked Mrs. Silver.

- She's fine, except that she's angry at you.

- At me? - the woman exclaimed.

- Whatever for?

- She said 'It's none of your business how old she is,' - snickered Timmy.

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "To the kitchen." She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that." She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that." He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.

Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give. - Cass Daley

Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.

Marriage is a rest period between romances.

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Marriage is a trip between Niagara Falls and Reno.

Marriage is an institution--but who wants to live in an institution?

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...

Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were taking a walk one fine March day.

One remarked to the other:

- Windy, ain't it?

- No, - the second man replied:

- It's Thursday.

And the third man chimed in:

- So am I. Let's have a coke.

Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place:

- It's just too hot to wear clothes today - complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower.

- Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?

- Probably that I married you for your money.

A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked:

- Are they relatives of yours?

- Yes, - his wife replied. - I married into the family.

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends:

- The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!

An old granny overheard and spoke up:

- Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!