Best jokes

A Canadian, a Scotsman, and an Australian are in a bar discussing the mental abilities of their wives. The Canadian says, "You know my wife must be the most stupid woman in the world. She went to a supermarket sale and bought $900 worth of meat, and we don't even have a freezer!" The Scotsman says, "That's nothing! My wife went out last week and bought a brand new $30,000 car, and she can't even drive!" Not to be out done, the Aussie says, "My wife is a lot dumber than that! Last week she left for a two week holiday in Paris and I saw her pack 20 condoms! Hell, she doesn't even have a penis!"

An American woman and an Iranian woman are in the supermarket. The Iranian woman picks up two potatoes and says, "These remind me of my husband's testicles." The American woman says, "That big?" The Iranian woman says, "No...that dirty."

Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians. After a tour of a reservation, she asked a Brave, who had only one feather in his headdress:

- Why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses?

His reply was:

- Me have only one sqaw, me have only one feather.

She asked another Brave, feeling the first fellow was only joking. This Brave had four feathers in his headdress. He replied:

- Ugh; me have four feathers because me sleep with four squaws.

Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of sqaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief.

Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers, which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters. She asked the Chief:

- Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?

The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said:

- Me Chief. Me fuck-em all. Big, small, fat, tall. Me fuck-em all.

Horrified, Ms. Walters stated:

- You ought to be hung!

The Chief replied:

- You damned right, me hung. Big like buffalo, long like snake.

Ms. Walters cried:

- You don't have to be so goddamned hostile!

The Chief replied:

- Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all!

With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried:

- Oh dear.

The Chief said:

- No deer. Me no fuck deer. Asshole too high and fuckers run too fast. No fuck deer!

Two Irish lads had been out shacking up with their girl friends. One felt guilty and decided he should stop at the church and confess.

He went into the confession booth and told the Father:

- Father, I have sinned. I have committed fornication with a lady. Please forgive me.

The Father said:

- Tell me who the lady was.

The lad said he couldn't do that and the Father said he couldn't grant him forgiveness unless he did.

- Was it Mollie O'Grady? - asked the Father.

- No.

- Was it Rosie Kelly?

- No.

- Was it that red-headed wench Tessie O'Malley?

- No.

- Well then - said the Father - You'll not be forgiven.

When the lad met his friend outside the friend asked:

- So, did you find forgiveness.

- No - said the other - but I picked up three good prospects!

A girl was intrigued at the kilt that a Scottsman was wearing, wondering what he would be wearing underneath. "What's underneath your kilt?", she asked him. "Why don't you take a look", he replied. Curiosity overcomming her, she lifted the kilt, then let it go. "Oh, it's gruesome!" "Well, why don't you take another look, it just grew-some more."

A negro was travelling in china. In a remote village, he came upon an elderly chinaman skipping stones across a lake. At each bounce of the stone off the water, the mountains surrounding the lake echoed back:

- CHING... CHANG... CHUN...

The negro was amazed. He asked the chinaman what was going on.

- Oh - said the chinee - magic spirit of the lake echo back the names of your ancient ancestors as your stone skip upon the sacred waters.

- Wow - said the negro - can I try it?

- Certainly - replied the chinaman.

The negro picked up the biggest stone he could find, and gave it a mighty heave across the waters...and as it skipped across the waters, the mountains echoed back:

- CHIM... PAN... ZEE....

Did you hear about the hillbilly who went into the hardware store to buy a chain saw?

He said I want one that will cut down at least 10 trees a day.

He was back at the hardware store with the saw a couple days later complaining that it only cut one tree and that took all day.

The clerk at the hardware store started the saw to see what the problem was.

The hillbilly jumped back and said what the hell is that noise?

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

- Why of course - comes the reply.

The first man then asks:

- Where are you from?

- I'm from Ireland - replies the second man.

The first man responds:

- You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland.

- Of course - replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks:

- Where in Ireland are you from?

- Dublin - comes the reply.

- I can't believe it - says the first man.

- I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin.

- Of course - replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks:

- What school did you go to?

- Saint Mary's - replies the second man - I graduated in '62.

- This is unbelievable! - the first man says.

- I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

- What's been going on? - he asks the bartender.

- Nothing much - replies the bartender.

- The O'Mally twins are drunk again.

There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest igloo.

They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid.

- Not bad - said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.

So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor.

- Wow, that's colder than mine! - said the first Eskimo. But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still.

So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, looked under three hugh back thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took one of the small balls of ice and put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".

He won.

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double-wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in 'Bama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor:

- I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand...