Best jokes

You know what that little red dot means in the middle of an Indian woman's forehead?
→ Coffee's ready.

A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says:

- So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?

She says:

- Bernie, I want a divorce.

He says:

- I wasn't planning on spending that much.

A little Italian grandfather comes up to Customs.

The Customs official says:

- Have you got anything to declare?

He thinks a second and he says:

- It's a nice-a day!

An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs.

When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him:

- So, you've been out drinking again!!

- How did you know? - he asks.

- The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.

Two Jewish businessmen meet in the street.

- Well, Morrie, how's your warehouse business going?

- Oy vey, Abraham, it's not going so good, we had a flood last week.

- So, Morrie - whispers Abraham - How do you start a flood?

Two Jewish businessmen meet in the street.

- Oy, Abraham, I'm sorry to hear about that fire at your warehouse.

- Ssh! - hisses the other - It's not till next week.

Did you hear about the tramp who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself" she replied.

Did you hear about the Jewish doctor who gave a patient six months to live?
→ When the patient couldn't pay, the doctor gave him another six months.

How did they know that Jesus was Jewish?
→ Because he lived at home until he was thirty, he went into his father's business, his mother thought he was God, and he thought his mother was a virgin.

How can you tell if an Irishman is present at a cock fight?
→ He enters a duck.

How can you tell if a Pole is present?
→ He bets money on the duck.

How can you tell if an Italian is present?
→ The duck wins.