Best jokes

Why does a Jewish American Princess close her eyes during sex?
→ She can't stand it to see her husband enjoy himself.

How does a Russian commit suicide?
→ He smells his armpit

How does an American commit suicide?
→ He tells this joke to a Russian.

What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand?
→ Quattro Sink-o

Tim Shandy stepped into the Warm Spoon, a popular Galway tavern.

To Mike Callahan, the barkeep, Shandy said:

- Mike, I'll be havin' three whiskeys.

Callahan set up three glasses and began to pour:

- Now, Timothy, it's not the usual thing for you to ask for three whiskeys. It's celebratin', you are.

- Ahh, ye know me too well, Micheal, ye do. Truth, and I'm celebrating me first blow job.

Callahan smiled benevolently and set a fourth glass on the bar.

- Now, that's special - he said.

- For an old customer like y'rself, here's a fourth on the house, so I may be sharin' your celebration with you.

Shandy shook his head, and replied:

- 'Tis verra kind of ye, Micheal, but I'm thinkin' if three won't get rid of the taste, four won't either.

Tim Kelly was walking therough a dim passageway when someone spoke to him:

- Good evenin', Kelly - said the muffled figure.

- Don't ye be knowin' your old friend Grogan any more?

Kelly stared at Grogan, whose face was a patchwork of bandages and adhesive plaster. One arm was in a sling and he was leaning on a crutch.

- Saints! - cried Kelly.

- Was ye hit by a train, Grogan, or did ye merely jump from the trestle?

- It could've been both, considerin' the feel of it - said Grogan.

- But the truth is, I was in bed with Murphy's wife when Murphy himself comes in with a murtherin' big shillelagh in his hand, and the inconsiderate creature beat the livin' bejazus outa me.

- He did indade - said Kelly.

- But couldn't ye defend y'rself, Grogan? Hadn't ye nothin' in your own hand?

- Only Mrs. Murphy's ass - said Grogan.

- It's a beautiful thing in itself, but not worth a dom in a fight.

- Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce? - the solicitor questioned his client.

- Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?

- Oh, no - replied Mrs. O'Connor.

- Shure now, we have a carport.

The solicitor tried again:

- Well, does the man beat you up?

- No, no - said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled.

- I'm always first out of bed.

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again:

- Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?

- Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial.

Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on:

- What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have.

- Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds.

- Mrs. O'Connor - the solicitor said in considerable exasperation.

- you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?

- Ah, well now - said the lady.

- Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation.

What goes: Clip clop, clip clop, clip clop, bang bang, clip clop, clip clop, clip clop?
→ An 'Amish' drive-by shooting

What is New Jersey's state bird?
→ The common House Fly.

What do West Virginians call a pretty woman?
→ A tourist.

Do you know why the baby Jesus wasn't born in Iowa?
→ They couldn't find three wise men!!!