Best jokes

- Doctor, - the embarrassed man said.

- I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

- Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.

The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife.

- Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas, - the medic said.

- Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on.

The doctor took the husband aside.

- You're in perfect health, - he said.

- Your wife didn't give me an erection either.

- Mr. Chilton, - the analyst said.

- I think this will be your last visit.

- Does that mean I'm cured? - he asked.

- For all practical purposes, yes, - she said.

- I think we can safely say that your kleptomania is now under control. You haven't stolen anything in two years, and you seem to know where the kleptomania came from.

- Well, that's terrific, Doctor. Before I go, I'd like to tell you something. Although our relationship is strictly professional, it's been one of the most rewarding of my life. I wish I could do something to repay you for helping me.

- You've paid my fee, - the doctor said.

- That's the only responsibility you have.

- I know, - Chilton said.

- But isn't there some personal favor I could do for you?

- Well, - the doctor said.

- I'll tell you what. If you ever suffer a relapse, my son could use a nice portable color television.

A man went to the doctor to get a physical, after the doctor examined him, he told the man he had some bad news... he had cancer and alzheimers.

The man replied:

- Well, at least I don't have cancer

Hiram answers the telephone, and it's an emergency room doctor.

The doctor says:

- Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will be on a respirator the rest of her life.

Hiram says:

- My God. What's the good news?

The doctor says:

- I'm kidding. She's dead.

Why do doctors slap babies when they are born?
→ To knock the penises off the smart ones.

A very well-built young lady was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was.

- I tried to be an actress and failed - she complained.

- I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too.

The shrink thought for a moment and said...:

- Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?

The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says...:

- Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!

Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room.

The doctor says:

- Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do.

Jon says:

- I haven't got the fingers.

The doctor says:

- What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 1998. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?

Jon says:

- Well, shit, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up.

Herman the hypochondriac began sobbing before a doctor:

- I'm sure I've got a liver disease, and I'm gonna die from it.

- Ridiculous - said the doctor.

- You'd never know if you had the disease or not. With that ailment there's no discomfort of any kind.

- Right - said Herman.

- Those are my exact symptoms.

- Patient (to cosmetic surgeon): Will it hurt, doctor?

- Surgeon: Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown.

Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted:

- I am Napoleon!

Another one said:

- How do you know?

The first inmate said:

- God told me!

Just then, a voice from another room shouted:

- I did not!