Best jokes

Fred goes to a doctor and says:

- Doc, I want to be castrated.

Doc says:

- Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or what your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation.

- Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I'm a little embarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash right here. Will you do it? - Fred

Doc says:

- Well, OK, I guess I could make this one exception. I don't understand it, but OK.

He puts Fred to sleep, does the trick, and is waiting at the bedside when Fred wakes up.

- Well, Doc, how'd it go? - Fred asks.

- It went fine, just fine. It's really not too difficult of an operation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay for such a simple task, and I felt a little guilty about taking that much. So, while I was operating, I also noticed that you had never been circumcised, so I went ahead and did that, too. I think, it's really better for a man to be circumcised, and I hope you don't mind my...

- CIRCUMCISED! - yells Fred.

- THAT'S the word!!!

This bloke picks up woman at the local pub. They go for a romantic walk down the street. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll his lustful desires rise to a fever pitch.

He is just about to put the hard word on her when she says:

- I hope you don't mind but I'm busting to have a piss

Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies:

- OK why don't you go behind these bushes

She nods in agreement and disappears behind the bushes.

As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed.

Unable to contain himself for another moment, he reaches through a gap in the foliage, his hand touching her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly he finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.

He shouts in horror:

- My God, don't tell me your really a bloke!

- No - she replies.

- I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead.

The guy leered at the babe at the yacht-club.

- Hey, baby, would you help me 'raise my mast'?

- No thanks - she said sweetly.

- I heard about you from your ex and she included a 'small craft' warning.

I walked up to a really pretty girl at the bar the other night and said:

- Hey, babe, can I buy you a drink?

She said:

- Do you like sex?

I said:

- Of course I like sex.

She said:

- Do you like to travel?

I said:

- Yeah, I love to travel.

She said:

- Then fuck off.

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up." "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to." "Aw, come on," the farmer insisted. "Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset." "Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?" "Under the wagon."

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

- Are you the landlord? - she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

- Actually, no - he replies.

- Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him? - she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

- I'm afraid I can't - breathes the barman - clearly aroused.

- Is there anything I can do?

- Yes there is. I need you to give him a message - she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

- Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room.

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says:

- Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty four

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her boobs grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what has happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says:

- Mirror mirror on the door, make my "manhood" touch the floor!

Again, there's a bright flash and both his legs fall off.

Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side.

- But - said the duffer - since you're obviously much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'.

The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it.

And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.

- What happened? - asked one of the members.

- Well - said the pro - I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?

A man walks into a pub, sits down at the bar, and says to the barman:

- cor! I've just had my first blow-job and it was great! -- I'll have a large whiskey please, barman.

The man takes his whiskey and downs it.

- Same again? - asks the barman.

- Okay - says the man and downs the second.

He then orders a third and a forth and downs them both.

In fact in total he downs 27 whiskeys.

- Do you want another? - asks the barman.

- No I don't think so - says the man:

- If 27 whiskeys won't take away the taste I don't think that another one will!

TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY
6969 Slippery Root Drive
Droptrouser, NC 22269

Dear John Doe,

We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to model and represent our product, TROJAN CONDOMS.

Although your general appearance is not displeasing, our Board of Directors feels that your wearing of our product in the advertisement does not portray a positive, romantic image for our product. A loose baggy and wrinkled condom is NOT considered romantic.

We did admire your efforts to try and firm it up by using Polygrip, but even then it slipped off before we could get the photographs taken. We would like to note, however, that yours is the first we've seen that looked like a bicycle grip.

We appreciate your interest and thank you for your time. We will retain your application for future consideration, if by chance we decide that there is a market for micro-mini condoms.

We send greetings and our deepest sympathy.

Yours very truly,
Burley Dick, President
TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY, INC.

VD/abcP.

P.S. Remember our slogans:

Cover your stump before you hump.

Don't be silly, protect your Willie.

Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.

Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.

If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it!