Best jokes

What's the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?
→ A drunk doesn't have to go to those stupid meetings.

- Old Jethro's next door's a-makin' moonshine again. - the wife told her husband.

- How can you tell ? - he asked.

- Did you smell it ?

- Nope. But a bunch of mice from over to his place came over here this morning and beat the shit out of our cats . . .

A drunk staggered into a cemetery and fell into a freshly dug grave.

Pretty soon a second drunk staggered by.

- Get me out of here - said the one in the grave.

- I'm cold.

The other one looked over the edge and said:

- No wonder you're cold, you poor guy. You don't have any dirt on you.

A very drunk man in a bar tells the bartender and everyone that is sitting near him that he can fart out the tune to The Star Spangelled Banner!

Everyone who hears this wants to see him do it. So he tells everyone to gather around him, then he climbs up on the bar, drops his trousers and proceeds to take a massive dump on the bar counter. After he finishes the disgusted bartender says:

- Why in the hell did you shit on my bar?

The drunk replies:

- Even Elvis had to clear his throat!

There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly. The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says, "Excuse me, you just farted before my wife." The drunks replies, "I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said:

- I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk.

Our wasted friend asked:

- Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?

- Yeah, buddy, I'm sure - said the copper.

- Let's go.

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said:

- Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple.

Two drunks walk into a bar. The first drunk looks at his buddy and says "I gotta go use the can." So he wonders off to the bathroom and is gone for 5 ... 10... 20 minutes. Well his friend gets pissed off and goes in to get him. He finds him in there and asks "What the hell are you doing?" The first drunk repies "Everytime I flush, something reaches up and grabs my balls." The second drunk looks at him and says "Well ya dumbass, you sittin on the mop bucket"

A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut through a graveyard. It is raining heavily and very dark. The drunk fails to see an open grave and falls into it. He tries to climb out of it, but it is too deep and the rain has turned the dirt to mud and has made it too slippery to climb. He gives up after a while and decides to spend the night there.

A while later, another drunk leaves the same bar and decides to take the same shortcut through the graveyard. He, too, falls into that open grave and tries to climb out but the mud is too slippery. The first drunk is still sitting there and watches as the other drunk tries but fails to get out.

The first drunk stands up, taps the second drunk on the shoulder and tells him:

- You'll never get out!.

He did.

A somewhat drunk man feels a bald man's head and says:

- Say, your head feels just like my wife's ass.

The bald man feels his own head and says with a grin:

- You know, you're right!

What does a lesbian have in common with a mechanic?
→ Snap-on tools!