Best jokes

Sign of drinking problem...

You shout:

- I'm not as think you drunk I am.

- Buford: Man, have you got a drinking problem!

- Mongo: The hell I do!

- Buford: The hell you don't!

- Mongo: I don't have a drinking problem. I drink... I get drunk... I fall down. No problem!

A well dressed gentlemen enters the bar of a five star restaurant, sits at the bar and orders four very expensive drinks. The bartender serves them on a silver tray, setting all four in front of the patron. The man then consumes all four drinks in a matter of seconds. The bartender comments, "Wow, you sure must have a problem." "If you had what I had," the man replies, "you'd drink them fast, too." Leaning over, the sympathetic bartender asks, "What do you have?" "Fifty cents," the man answers.

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.

The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.

The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing.

- What's so funny? - the bartender asked.

- That damned Pete! - the drunk chortled - He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!

A visiting conventioneer from Saskatchewan walked into a bar in Greenwich Village and sat next to a rather attractive woman.

- Hi - he said - I'm new in town. Can I buy you a drink?

- Get lost - she remarked - I am Lesbian.

- Oh, really? - he asked - How are things in Beiruit?

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments:

- You look terrible. What's the problem?

- My mother died in June - he said - and left me $10,000.

- Gee, that's tough - he replied.

- Then in July - the friend continued - My father died leaving me $50,000.

- Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed.

- And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.

- Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.

- Then this month - continued the friend - nothing!

A customer was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he noticed a tiny little spot on the wall that seemed to be moving. He called it to the bartender's attention. He glanced at it and said:

- It's a ladybug.

After a moment of stunned silence the customer said:

- Good Lord, what incredible eyesight you have!

McAteer arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

- No - replied McAteer.

- I've lost all me luggage!

- How'd that happen?

- The cork fell out - said the Irishman.

A woman goes into a bar with a little Chihuahua dog on a leash.

She sits down at the bar next to a drunk. The drunk rolls around, leans over, and splat! He pukes all over the dog. The drunk looks down, sees the little dog struggling in the pool of vomit, and slurs:

- I don't remember eating that!

"ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY"
So what? Who's in a hurry?