Best jokes

For those of you who don't already know, these are the rules that are in effect in every relationship.

1. The female always makes the rules.
2. These rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No male can possibly know all the rules.
4. If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
5. The female is never wrong.
6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a vagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male said or did wrong.
7. If rule number 6 applies, the male must immediately apologize for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The female can change her mind at any given point in time.
9. The male must never change his mind without express written consent of the female.
10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether she wants him to be calm, angry or upset.
13. Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm.
14. The female always gets the last word!

(*) These rules are subject to change as the female sees fit. All rules are null and void under the PMS Exception Law

It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer.

The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained possession. The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly. The referee stopped the game.

- What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?

The elephant replied:

- Well, I didn't mean to kill him -- I was just trying to trip him up.

Many a relationship could be thrown a curve ball if women always told the truth in bed. Imagine the revelation...

- She: Get off of me, will ya!!

- He: Whatsa matter, am I hurting you?

- She: No, you're not hurting me, you're annoying me. You think you could hurt me with THAT?!?

This couple has been dating for about four months, but the guy had been afraid of making any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.

Finally, he gets up his courage and takes her to a secluded spot in his car. While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.

- No thanks - the girl says.

- You know I don't smoke.

- So you think you could end all unemployment, do you? - asked the interviewer.

- And how, if I may be so bold to inquire?

- Why, I'd put all the men on one island and all the women on another - replied Paddy.

- And what would they be doing then?

- Building boats!

A Polak is hired to paint the lines on the road.

On the first day he paints ten miles, and his employers are amazed. But, the second day he painted just five, and on only the third day, he painted only a mile of the road.

Disappointed his boss asks what the problem was.

The Polak replies:

- Well sir, every day I have to walk farther and farther to get back to the paint bucket.

There are three construction workers on top of a building having lunch. One Italian, one Polak, and one Oriental.

The Italian has a meatball hero, the Oriental has noodles, and the Polak has knockwurst. The Italian and the Oriental are tired of having the same lunches everyday. The Italian says that if he gets a meatball hero the next day that he will throw it off the building. The Oriental says that if he gets noodles tommorow he will also throw it off the building. The Polak says that if he gets knockwurst tommorow he will throw it off the building.

Sure enough the Italian and Oriental workers open their lunch-boxes and they find that they have a meatball hero and noodles respectively. They both throw their lunches off the building. The Polak then throws his sandwich off the building.

The other guys ask him how he knew that it was knockwurst again without even looking.

He responded by saying:

- Because I pack my own lunch.

My girlfriend and I were in a restaurant and this strikingly attractive woman in a short black dress walked by.

My eyes couldn't help but follow her as she passed by our table.

The girlfriend glared at me and snapped:

- So, do you want to date her??

To which I stuttered:

- Ummmm...1968, perhaps?

Reasons Dates Have Given For Standing Someone Up:

- I showed up early and decided I just didn't feel like going out after all, so I went home before you arrived.

- My dog died.

- My neighbor's bird died, and I had to console my neighbor.

- I figured that probably wasn't your real picture, so I didn't bother coming over.

- I overslept.

- I took the wrong freeway exit and got lost, and after 40 minutes, I gave up, turned around, and went home.

- I know I said I'd be at home at 8:00 P.M., but I went out to a movie at 6:00 P.M. and had such a good time out after meeting some friends at the movie that I forgot all about our date and went out to dinner with them.

- I had the address, but forgot which city you lived in.

- Yesterday was the last day of my vacation, so I went two-stepping and ran into my ex there, and we fell in love again during a slow dance, so I can't date you any more, but I'd still like us to be friends.

- My roommate overdosed and I had to take him to the emergency room.

What do you get when you cross a 1-legged Polak with a Mongoloid?
→ A Polaroid One-Step.