Best jokes

The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by exponential progression when he is already in the company of: (1) a date (2) his wife (3) a better looking and richer male friend.

50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occassionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see whats in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

We have all been through job interviews, and we have spent most of the time thinking of what not to do that might make us look bad. Some job applicants however go light years beyond this.

What follows is a survey of top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations who were asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. What follows is an unbelievable list of what we can only call "the lowlights."

1. Said he was so well qualified that if he didn't get the job, it would show that the company's management was incompetent.
2. Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.
3. Brought her large dog to the interview.
4. Chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles.
5. Candidate kept giggling through a serious interview.
6. She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.
7. Bald candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.
8. Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle.
9. Asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.
10. Announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries during the interview.
11. Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the middle of an interview.
12. Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as vice president of finance.
13. Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
14. Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.
15. Wouldn't get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the police.
16. When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.
17. Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him.
18. Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet.
19. Took the brush out of my purse and brushed his hair and then left.
20. Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.
21. Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to ensure that the offer was formal.
22. Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much.
23. While I was on a long distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.
24. During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.
25. A telephone call came in for the job applicant during the interview. It was his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: 'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said:

- I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.

He promptly responded:

- I am as long as you will pay me more. I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.

26. The applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained that the other shoe was stolen off her foot on the bus.
27. His attache case opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments, assorted make-up and perfume.
28. He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception area. He didn't want it to get stolen, and stated that he would require indoor parking for the moped.
29. He took off his shoe and sock, applying medicated foot powder and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was putting back on the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a day and this was the time.
30. Candidate said he really didn't want the job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.
31. He whistled when the interviewer was talking.
32. Asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.
33. She threw up on my desk and immediately starting asking questions about the job as if nothing happened.
34. Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I needed to get a new desk.

and topping the list....

35. Asked if I wanted some cocaine before starting the interview.

An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and his older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life.

The old man in is a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours.

Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks:

- I must be dreaming of heaven. I smell your grandmother's strudel.

- No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now.

- I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a sliver? - the old man begs with what is left of his final breath.

One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man's last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed. - Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother's delicious strudel? - the old man plaintively queries?

- I'm very sorry, grandfather, she says you can't have any, it's for the funeral!

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him:

- What's your IQ?

The man replied:

- 130. So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened intently and thought:

- This is really cool.

Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him:

- What's your IQ?

The man responded:

- 120. So the robot started talking about the superbowl, dirt bikes, and so on. The man thought to himself:

- Wow, this is really cool.

A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him:

- What's your IQ?

The man replied:

- 80.

The robot then said:

- So, how are things in Poland these days?

Guy walks into a bar, sits downs and starts to make conversation with guy at next table.

- Want to hear the worlds's worst Polish Joke? - #2 says.

- Sure, but before you tell it, let me tell you something. See those two bikers over there by the door-real mean motherfuckers-??? They're Polish. And those two bouncers by the bar? They're Polish too! The Bartender?? Polish!! And one more thing pal, I'm Polish too!!! Now..... still want to tell that joke?

- Hell no! - replies #1.

- I don't want to have to explain it 6 times!

I heard they closed the zoo in Warsaw. The duck died.

Did you hear about the Polish man that locked his keys in his car?
→ He had to use a coat hanger to get his family out.

Why do Polish dogs have flat noses?
→ From chasing parked cars.

There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant. Alas, he couldn't afford to feed it. He'd never seen an elephant jump with all 4 feet off the ground. So he started a contest: entry was $10, and the first person to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet off the ground would get $50,000.

All sorts of people tried, but nobody could get the elephant to jump. Finally, this little guy arrives in a limousine. He's carrying a baseball bat. He walks up to the elephant, swings the bat, and crunches the elephants balls pretty badly. Needless to say, the elephant jumps, and the owner pays out the $50,000. Unfortunately, the owner had barely collected enough to cover the prize, so he ran another contest.

He'd never seen an elephant swing its head back and forth as if to say:

- no. Same deal as before: $10 per entry, $50,000 prize. Lots of people try and fail. Then the little guy shows up in his limousine again, pulls out his bat, and walks up to the elephant. He says:

- Remember me?

The elephant nods yes.

The man then holds up his bat and says:

- Want me to use this again? The elephant nods his head rather emphatically no....