Best jokes

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God:

- Lord, I have a problem!

- What's the problem, Eve?

- Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy.

- Why is that, Eve? - came the reply from above.

- Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples.

- Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.

- What's a 'man', Lord?

- This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.

- Sounds great - says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

- Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition.

- What's that, Lord?

- You'll have to let him believe that I made him first.

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one:

- Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?

So the first man replies:

- Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground. By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony.

- That sounds like a pretty bad day to me - said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

- It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here.

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

- Picture this - says the third man.

- I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator...

A man was driving down the highway, and sees a sign saying ", House of Prostitution, 10 miles". Thinking it is some sort of joke, he pays no attention, until he sees a similar sign reading "Sister's of Mercy, House of Prostitution, 5 miles." Still unsure, he drives on, until spotting a third sign saying "Sister's of Mercy, House of Prostitution, next exit".

His curiosity getting the better of him, he takes the exit and parks his car outside the convent. He knocks on the door, and tells the nun who answers:

- I saw your signs on the highway, are they for real?

The nun answers "Yes", and tells him to give her $50 and follow her to a room. He enters a room, and a second nun requests $50, and leads him to a door. Once he opens the door, he is quickly shoved outside by the nun. He finds himself behind the convent, where he sees the final sign, "Thank you for you contributions, you have just been screwed by the .".

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked:

- Say, Father, what causes arthritis?

- Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man.

- Wow - the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

- I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?

- I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.

- AMEN The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

- BULLETIN Your receipt for attending Mass.

- CHOIR A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.

- HYMN A song of praise usually sung in a key two octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

- RECESSIONAL HYMN The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

- INCENSE Holy Smoke!

- JUSTICE When kids have kids of their own.

- PEW A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

- RECESSIONAL The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

- RELICS People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

- TEN COMMANDMENTS The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

- USHERS The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

- What's the matter, dear? - she whispers as she steps into the room.

- Why are you down here at this time of night?

The husband looks up.

- Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17? - he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive.

- Yes, I do - she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily.

- Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?

- Yes, I remember - says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues...

- Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years'.

- I remember that too - she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

- I would have gotten out today!

The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager kissing his secretary. He shouted at him:

- Is this what I pay you for?

The manager replied:

- No, sir, this I do free of charge.

A suspicious husband hired a private eye to check on the movements of his wife. In addition to a written report, the husband wanted a video of his wife's activities. A week later, the detective returned with a film. They sat down together and proceeded to watch it.

Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them strolling arm in arm and laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw them take part in a dozen activities with utter glee.

- I just can't believe this - said the distraught husband.

- What's not to believe? - the detective said.

- It's right up there on the screen!

- I simply can't believe my wife could be so much fun! - the husband replied.

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.

- I will have to go home and come back later.

The woman says:

- Unbutton your shirt.

So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says:

- That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me - and she processed his application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says:

- You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.

Seen in my local paper's "readers sales" section.

FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of encyclopaedia Britannica. 45 Volumes. Excellent condition. ?1000 pounds or best offer.
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