Best jokes

This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book. He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy:

- You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in.

The guy thinks for a moment and says:

- Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me. So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'

St. Peter, extremely impressed, says:

- Really? Wow, when did all this happen?

- Er.. about two minutes ago.

When I was young I used to pray for a bicycle. Then I realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bicycle and prayed for forgiveness.

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.

The head monk says:

- We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.

So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.

Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.

The old monk sobs:

- The word is celebrate.

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

- Come with me - said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.

- Wow, thank you - said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

- Wait, I think you are a little mixed up - said the priest.

- Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.

- Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed!

At a remote monastery deep in the woods, the monks followed a rigid vow of silence. This vow could only be broken once a year on Christmas, by one monk, and the monk could speak only one sentence.

One Christmas, Brother Thomas had his turn to speak and said:

- I love the delightful mashed potatoes we have every year with the Christmas roast!

Then he sat down. Silence ensued for 365 days.

The next Christmas, Brother Michael got his turn, and said:

- I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I truly despise them!

Once again, silence ensued for 365 days.

The following Christmas, Brother Paul rose and said:

- I am fed up with this constant bickering!

Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.

The successful one said:

- How has everything been going with you?

- Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller.

The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, ".

"Haul a Yugo. Haul a Yugo."

Gearly beloved, we are Blazered here in the name of our Four-door, who art in Half-ton. I'm speaking of our lord and Mazda, Jeep-sus Chrysler. He is the Alfa and the Romeo. He was born in a Ranger, he was Tempo'd by the DeVille, and he Daihatsu'd for your Sentras. He said, "Dodge not, that ye not be Dodged. Thou shalt not Corvette thy neighbor's Whitewall, but turn the other Cherokee. If ye have Fiat, ye can move Montecarlos. He ain't Chevy, he's my Beretta." He ate the Last Supra, and he climbed the mount of Cavalier, where they Cruise-controlled him on the Motocross. But God, in his Infiniti Mercedes, did Rolls away the Stanza.

Let us Prelude: Sayeth the prophet Isuzu, in the Dusenburg Bible, In the 23rd Saab, "The Ford is my Chauffeur. I shall not Walk. He Lexus me in the paths of Right-turn-signals. Yea, though I walk through the Valet of the Shadow of Dart, I shall Fiero no Eagle. Subaru Goo dwrench and Mercury shall Volvo me Audi Daytonas of my life, and I shall Dwellmeter house of Delorean, Four-cylinder."

Gloria, In Ex-Celica Geo!

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.

All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The Angels come running in only to find the Pope huddled in his chair, crying to himself and muttering:

- An 'R'! The scribes left out the 'R'.

A particularly concerned Angel takes him aside, offering comfort, asks him what the problem is and what does he mean. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again:

- It's the letter 'R'. They left out the 'R'. The word was supposed to be celebRate!

- Adam: "You are what you eat."

- Eve: "At least he doesn't compare me to his mother."

- Abraham: "I'm goin' not knowin'."

- Noah: "Honk if you believe in treading water."

- Moses: "From a basket case to the promise land."

- Elizah: "When Jezebel ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

- Balaam: "My second donkey talks!"

- Prodigal Son: "All roads lead to home."

- At the Sinai desert: "Winding road next 40 years"

- At the Red Sea: "Caution! Subject to sudden flooding"

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though they were a very large mammal their throat was very small. The little girl stated Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated a whale could not swallow a human it was impossible.

The little girl said:

- When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.

The teacher asked:

- What if Jonah went to hell?

The little girl replied:

- Then you ask him.