Best jokes

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist.

- I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me.

- Psychiatrist: Don't you have a phone in your car?

- Blonde: That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car.

- Psychiatrist: Uh ... How's that working?

- Blonde: Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet.

- Psychiatrist: And why do you think that is?

- Blonde: I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing.

The following sign was posted at a fast food restaurant owned by two blondes:

- Parking for drive-through customers only!

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.

She lies down on the bed... just then, and elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more.

Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager.

The manager says he'll be right up.

The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.

- Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!

So he lies down next to the wife.

Just then the husband walks in.

- What - he says - are you doing here!?!

The manager calmly replies:

- Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?

• Make the world your playground.
• Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up. Dragging a sock over it helps.
• If you can't get your way, lay across the keyboard till you do.
• When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you just to shut you up.
• Always find a good patch of sun to nap in.
• Nap often.
• When in trouble, just purr and look cute.
• Life is hard, and then you nap.
• Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours.
• Variety is the spice of life. One day, ignore people; the next day, annoy them, and play with them when they're busy.
• Climb your way to the top, that's why the curtains are there.
• Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each corner.
• Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, "I care".

One Sunday morning a minister and a choirboy were getting the church ready for mass. The minister prepared his sermon while the choirboy filled the holy water fountain.

Suddenly, the choirboy burst into the minister's room and yelled:

- father father, I just saw the most amazing thing! I filled the holy water fountain. Then a man came in on crutches. He moved to the fountain, dipped his left hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his left crutch. Then he dipped his right hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his right crutch. Then he turned to me ... and he took a step forward!

The minister was awe struck by what he just heard.

- My boy, he said, you just witnessed a miracle from God! Where's this man now?

The Choirboy replies...

- flat on his face in front of the holy water fountain!

A man's house is on fire. No help is in sight so he takes matters into his own hands.

He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside.

Then he runs back in and gets is daughter and brings her ouside.

Then his wife. Then the dog. Then the cat.

Then he goes back in "3 more times" without bringing out anybody or anything.

So a bystander is curious and asks him:

- Why do you keep going back into your burning house and not coming out with anything?

The man replies:

- I'm turning over my mother in law.

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying:

- I know the whole truth even when you don't know anything. The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says:

- I know the whole truth.

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says:

- Just don't tell your father.

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with:

- I know the whole truth.

The father promptly hands him $40 and says:

- Please don't say a word to your mother.

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying:

- I know the whole truth.

The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says:

- Then come give your FATHER a big hug!

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied:

- I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said:

- I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole.

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said:

- Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?

She replied:

- If I tell you, you'll laugh.

- No, I won't.

- Well, if you must know - she answered.

- I work for Tampax.

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said:

- See I knew you would laugh.

- That's not what I'm laughing at - he replied.

- I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!

Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.

When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver:

- Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?

The bus driver shakes his head and says:

- No, I'm sorry.

Hearing this, the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters:

- Will it take ME?

10 Blonde Science Fair Projects:

10. Are poisonous snakes really venomous?
11. Is lighter fluid flammable?
12. What hurts more: falling off a building, or a cliff?
13. Are knives sharp?
14. Can sharks hurt a human?
15. What happens if I stick my hand in a piranha aquarium?
16. Can I break my arm hitting it against a wall?
17. Can I go through a brick wall?
18. Can dogs talk?
19. Are blondes really dumb?

From David Letterman and the Late Show...

Top Ten Signs Bill Clinton Doesn't Give A Damn

10. Called Russia asking if they need a new spy
11. When people whisper, "Your fly is open," he says, "Yeah, I know"
12. Shoplifts at will, gives finger to security camera
13. If you asked what he had for breakfast and he actually had waffles, he'll say "pancakes" just for the fun of lying
14. He's no longer just fat -- he's now Hugh Rodham fat
15. "Tubby" is selling a copy of the Declaration of Indepence on eBay
16. Doesn't even bother to buy high-quality cigars anymore
17. Recently introduced Playboy playmate as "my lovely wife"
18. Refers to Chappaqua mansion as "the house that dirty pardon money built"
19. Sits in the back of Al Gore's journalism class screaming, "Loser!"

One Monday morning, Grover picking up the kids along a new bus route.

At the first stop, he picked up a fat little girl. Grover asked:

- What's your name?

- Patty - she replied. She had a seat in the back of the bus.

On the next stop there was a handicapped boy named Ross. All the kids called him "Special Ross."

Then a young man named Lester Cheese loaded onto the bus, sat down, took off his shoes and began picking at his bunyons.

Finally the last stop came up, and another chubby little girl got on. Grover had never met her, so he asked her her name and her name was also Patty.

On the way to school, Grover looked in his mirror and began to laugh, He was thinking...

- Dang, I have two obese Patty's, Special Ross, Lester Cheese picking bunyons, on a Sesame Street bus!