Best jokes

After Christmas break, the teacher asked her small pupils how they spent their holidays.

One small boy's reply went like this:

We always spent Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarted and they moved to Arizona.

They go to a big building they call a wrecked hall. But if it was wrecked, it is fixed now. They play games there and do exercises, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool and they go to it and just stand in the water with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim. My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody cooks there. They all go to fastfood restaurants.

As you come into the park, there is a doll house with a man sitting in it. He watches all day so they can't get out without him seeing them. They wear badges with their names on them. I guess they don't know who they are.

My Grandma said Grandpa worked hard all his life and earned his retardment. I wish they would move back home, but I guess the man in the doll house won't let them out.

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!

The CEO, walks up the guy and asks:

- and how much money do you make a week?

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies:

- I make $200.00 a week. Why?

The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams:

- here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks:

- does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters:

- Pizza delivery guy.

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

- Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent.

- ONE CENT - that's awesome! - exclaimed the guy.

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks:

- Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with the works?

- Certainly, sir - replies the bartender.

- but all that comes to real money.

- How much money? - inquires the guy.

- 4 cents - replies the bartender.

- FOUR cents! - exclaims the guy...

- Where's the Guy who owns this place?

The bartender replies:

- Upstairs with my wife.

The guy says:

- What's he doing with your wife?

The bartender replies...

- Same as I'm doing to his business!

Two men are driving through Philadelphia when they get pulled over by a Highway Patrolman. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick.

The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver asks:

- What the hell was that for?

The cop answers:

- You're in Philadelphia son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car.

The driver says:

- I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here.

The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

The passenger asks:

- What'd you do that for?

The cop says:

- Just making your wish come true.

The passenger asks:

- Making what wish come true?

The cop says:

- I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your buddy, "I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!"

- Fresh in from the JokesGalore.com News Wire...

According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of stopping. If anything, it's getting worse.

Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded we have more breaking news...

We are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches.

Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song!

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop.

Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, and staff there fear they may get a raw deal...stay tuned...

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the kings horses and all the kings men
Said fuck him! - he's only an egg!

Little boy blew Hey! He needed the money!

Two good ol' boys, Bubba and Junior get promoted from Privates to Sergeants.

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says:

- Hey, Junior - there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have us a drank.

- But we's privates - protests Junior.

- NO, we's sergeants now - says Bubba, pulling him inside.

- Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank.

- But, we's privates - says Junior.

- You blind, boy! - says Bubba, pointing at his stripes.

- We's Sergeants now!

So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.

- You're cute - she says.

- and I'd like to take you someplace and make you feel good -- but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea.

Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers:

- Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it's good, give me the okay sign.

Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.

- Junior - he says.

- What you give me the okay for?!

- Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates.

Then he pointed to his stripes and says:

- But we's Sergeants now!

Jay Leno Jokes from the Tonight Show...

Pharmaceutical companies that make birth control pills are telling teenage girls that taking the pill can help clear up their skin. Do you think that's true? I think there is a better chance of clearing up the boyfriend's skin ...

Fashion experts say that President Bush is helping bring back cowboy boots and cowboy hats. See, so it is not just for male strippers anymore ...

LeAnn Rimes apologized to fans for the quality of her new album. Isn't that unbelievable? If LeAnn Rimes has to apologize for her album, what the heck is Kathie Lee going to do, commit suicide?

In an interview with Vanity Fair magazine, Hugh Hefner admitted having 7 girlfriends, one for each night of the week ... Someone should tell him those are called nurses. He said they all have sex together in the same bed. He said Viagra makes it possible ... I think money makes it possible!

Surgeons in Britain amputated the hand of the world's first hand transplant patient because the guy requested it, after his body rejected it. How depressing is that? It's bad enough getting rejected by women, but guys, when your own hand turns you down?

According to a new government report, the military is running out of bullets. We are running out of ammunition! Oh good ... let's tell our enemies ... that's what I love about our country, you can't tell your sexual preference in the Navy, but you can tell our enemies we're running out of ammunition.

- We don't have any bullets, and I can't tell you if I'm gay.

One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday best was running so she wouldn't be late for church.

As she ran she kept praying:

- Dear God, please don't let me be late to church.

- Please don't let me be late to church....

As she was running she tripped and fell.

When she got back up she began praying again...

- Please, God don't let me be late to church -- but don't shove me either!

One day a boy and hid father were walking through the woods when the son spotted some rabbit droppings.

The boy asked hid Dad:

- What are these Pop?

- They're smart pills son - said his father.

- Eat them and they'll make you smarter.

So he ate them and said:

- Yuck...these taste like poop!

- See - said his father.

- you're already getting smarter!

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:

Dear GOD,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those idiots deducted $95.00!