Best jokes

A blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting.

When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:

- I am placed in the door and told when to jump.

- My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.

- But how do you know when you are going to land? - he was asked.

- I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground - he answered.

- But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground? - he was again asked.

He quickly answered:

- Oh, that's the easy part. It's when the dog's leash goes slack.

Walkin' Round in Women's Underwear
(to be sung to "Walkin' in a Winter Wonderland")

Lacy things - the wife is missin,
Didn't ask - her permission,
I'm wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' round in women's underwear.

In the store - there's a teddy,
Little straps - like spaghetti,
It holds me so tight,
Like handcuffs at night,
Walkin' round in women's underwear.

In the office there's a guy named Marvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.

He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say, "Whoa, Man!"

"Let's wait until our wives are out of town!"

Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress - like Madonna,
Put on some eyeshade,
And join the parade,
Walkin' round in women's underwear!

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

- Officer: May I see your driver's license?

- Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

- Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

- Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

- Officer: The car is stolen?

- Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

- Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

- Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

- Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

- Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

- Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

- Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

- Captain: Who's car is this?

- Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

- Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

- Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

- Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

- Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

- Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove-box, and that there was a body in the trunk?

- Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the big liar told you I was speeding too!

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says:

- What's in the bags?

- Sand - answered Juan.

The guard says:

- We'll just see about that - get off the bike!

The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks:

- What have you got?

- Sand - says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.

He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.

Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

- Hey, Buddy - says the guard.

- I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about.....

- I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?

Juan sips his beer and says:

- Bicycles.

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

- Ma'am - said the cop.

- I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.

- Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home - responded the Amish lady.

- That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that right away! - instructed the cop.

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

- Well, dear, what exactly did he say? - asked Jacob.

- He said the reflector is broken - replied the lady.

- I can fix that in two minutes. What else? - wondered Jacob.

- I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, all working for NASA, were trying to figure out where to go on the next trip.

The brunette said:

- We should go to Mars.

The redhead said:

- We should go to the Moon.

The brunette and the redhead sat there arguing for a while. Suddenly, the blonde shouts:

- Stop arguing! I know where the next expedition should be to ... the Sun!

The brunette and the redhead looked at each other and started laughing. The brunette finally said:

- You can't go to the Sun. You would melt or burn up before you even got close!

The blonde said:

- DUH... Not if you go at night!

This could be considered THE ideal world for many men:

His son on the cover of a box of Wheaties.

His mistress in the centerfold of Playboy.

A picture of his wife on the milk carton.

On my last trip to Canada, I had the rare pleasure of meeting the leading historian of this great country. Out of curiosity I asked him how their county got it's name.

Below is his explanation...

There were three explorers, hiking through what is now known as Canada.

- You know - said the first explorer.

- we should name this place we're hiking through.

- I agree - said the second explorer.

- Great idea - quipped the third explorer.

- We'll each pick a letter and then make a name out of that.

- Okay - said the third.

- I'll go first. C, eh.

The second said:

- N, eh.

The first...

- D, eh.

And now you know the story.

- Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month.

- He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles.

- You have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob".

- He refers to Klingons as "Critters".

- He refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns".

- He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil.

- He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section.

- He says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies".

- He hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen.

- He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle.

- He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it.

- He says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage".

- He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser.

- He insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba".

- He sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster".

- He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens.

- He paints the starship John Deere green.

- He refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special".

- He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp".

- His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale.

- He sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen".

- His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls.

- He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge.

- His idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies.

- He sets phaser to "Cajun".

Some lessons learned in life:

- Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

- If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".

- There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

- People who want to share their religious veiws with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

- And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

- You should not confuse your career with your life, because if you have a career that probably means you have no life.

- No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

- Never lick a steak knife.

- Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

- "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

- You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.