Best jokes

One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says "if you can make that horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest of the night". So he says "ok" and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of the night.

The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says "if you can make that horse over there cry i will give you free drinks for the rest of the night." So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.

The man says:

- To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger dick than he does and to make him cry I showed him.

This fella goes to the doctor and says:

- Doctor, I've got a rash round my cock, have you got anything for it?

The doctor said:

- put this on and come back next week if it doesn't work.

The bloke comes back the next week and the cream hadn't worked so he tells the doctor and the doctor gives him more cream and tells him to come back next week if it doesn't work.

The bloke comes back and the cream still hasn't worked so the doctor says:

- Drop your pants.

The man drops his pants and the doctor has a look and tells him to put another cream on. The man then says:

- Doctor it's worked!! What was that?

The doctor replies:

- Lipstick remover

One night a lady pregnant with triplets was walking by and a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her in the stomach three times. Her docter told her that he couldn't perform surgery because it would be too risky. All was well for 16 years when one of the girls came running into the room crying.

- Whats wrong? - asked the mother.

"I was taking a pee and a bullet came out". "It's ok" said the mom and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later the other girl came running into the room crying, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out?"

"Yes" replied the girl. "It's ok" said the mom and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy came running in crying, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out. - No - replied the boy - I was playing with myself and shot the dog!!!!!!!!

A distraught man went to a psychiatrist and exclaimed, "Doctor, I believe that I am possessed by an evil spirit." After talking to the patient at some length, the psychiatrist said, "You do appear to have a problem. I'd like to see you again next Wednesday."

After a second session of psychotherapy, the psychiatrist pronounced his patient completely cured.

For the next nine months, the psychiatrist sent the man a monthly statement for his professional services, but the man wouldn't pay and refused to acknowledge the debt.

Finally, the psychiatrist took the man to court and had him repossessed.

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says:

- You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.

- One day - he begins - I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream."

So I picked up the frog and it said:

- Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes.

So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said:

- You now have 3 wishes.

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said:

- I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.

She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked:

- What will be your second wish?

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours!

Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear:

- You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?

I looked at her and replied:

- How about a little head?

There were three female explorers who decided that they would go explore the African jungle together. One blonde, one brunnette and one redhead. They were near the middle of the jungle when a rare african tribe surrounded them. The tribe said that the gods have sent them evil things and the explorers shall be destroyed. The tribe was going to shoot them with a bow and arrow in the head one at a time.

First they were going to shoot at the brunnette. She stepped up and they called 1-2-3 but before they could shoot she yelled TORNADO and everyone ducked and lay down on the ground and the brunnette ran way while they ducked. The tribe got mad and swore but did not go after her.

Then the redhead stepped up and they aimed and yelled 1-2-3.. but before they could shoot she screeched FLOOD and everyone jumped and climbed up the nearest tree. The redhead took advantage and ran away. They got really mad and swore but did not go after her. They didn't like people yelling fake incidents.

Then the blonde stepped up and she thought that yelling a mother nature disaster was a good idea. They yelled 1-2-3 and the blonde yelled FIRE!

The Election Is Over, The Results Are Known.

The Will Of The People Has Been Clearly Shown.

So Lets All Get Together And Let Bitterness Pass, I'll Hug Your Elephant, And You Can Kiss My ASS!!!!!

Why do women talk more than men, and why are men smarter than women?
→ Because women have four lips and men have two heads!

A woman had 8 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for an interview. He asked her about the boys and what their names were; she said 'Kevin'.

'Right', he said, 'what about that blond one over there?'

'Kevin', she said.

'Oh, and the tall one with the freckles?'

'Kevin', she said.

'Well, and the little chubby one with the baseball cap?'

'Kevin', she said.

'Are all your boys called Kevin?' he asked, 'isn't that terribly complicated?'

'Not at all', she said, 'it makes everything very easy, actually. When I shout: Kevin, tea is ready!, they all come. When I say: Kevin, it's time for bed!, they all go to bed.'

'I see. But what if you want only one of them?'

'No problem.' she answers. 'Then I call them by their surnames.'

The official year 2000 Redneck Census Form:

Last name: _______________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
()Billy-Bob ()Billy-Joe ()Billy-Ray ()Billy-Sue ()Billy-Mae ()Billy-Jack
What does everyone call you?
()Booger ()Bubba ()Junior ()Sissy (_)Other____________
Age:____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex:____ M ____ F ____ Not sure
Shoe size:____ Left ____ Right
Occupation: (Check appropriate box)
()Farmer ()Mechanic ()Hair Dresser ()Unemployed ()Dirty Politician ()Preacher
Spouse's Name:_____________
2nd Spouse's Name:_______________
3rd Spouse's Name:_______________
Lover's Name:_______________
Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)
()Sister ()Brother ()Aunt ()Uncle ()Cousin ()Mother ()Father ()Son ()Daughter ()Pet
Number of children living in the home:_____
Number of the children living in the shed:_____
Number that are yours:_____
Mother's Name:____________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Father's Name:____________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade commpleted)
(Check appropriate box)
Total number of vehicles you own:___
Number of vehicles that still crank:___
Number of vehicles in front yard:___
Number of vehicles in the back yard:___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks:___
Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____truck ____bedroom ____bathroom ____kitchen ____shed
Model and year of your pickup: 196_
Do you have a gun rack?
()Yes ()No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
()The National Enquirer ()The Globe ()TV Guide ()Soap Opera Digest (_)Rifle and Shotgun
Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____
Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:___
Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:____
How often do you bathe?
()Weekly ()Monthly (_)Not Applicable
Color of eyes: Left_____ Right_____
Color of hair:
()Blond ()Black ()Red ()Brown ()White ()Clairol
Color of teeth:
()White ()Yellow ()Brownish-Yellow ()Brown ()Black ()N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
()1 mile ()2 miles ()just a whoop-and-a-holler ()road?