Best jokes

A guy is walking along the beach and he stumbles on a Genie Bottle.

He rubs it and out pop two Genies. He makes three wishes. When he gets home, he hears a knock on the door and outside there are 20 beautiful naked women. Walking back inside he sees a briefcase sitting on his coffee table. Opening it he see $20 million dollars.

- Wow, my first two wishes have come true! - he yells.

He gets ready to do his thing with the women when he hears another knock on the door. When he opens the door there are two Ku Klux Klan guys.

First, they beat him up, then they tar and feather him. Next, they take him out back and lynch him. When the KKK guys are sure he is dead, they take their hoods off to reveal the two Genies!

The first Genie turns to the second and says:

- You know, I can understand his first two wishes but why would he want to be hung like a black man?

Your mom is so stupid she tried to wake up a sleeping bag.

Howard Dean's wife held a press conference today where she announced that until the election is over she will shave off all her pubic hair and sit on stage with husband Howard, and wearing no panties.

Astounded reporters asked what the message was, to which she replied:

- Read my lips. No more Bush

What's the difference between engagement and hemaroihds?
→ When the hemaroihds are over you at least get the ring back !!!!

Why are Bill Clinton, Monica Lewinksy, and O.J. Simpson such bad golfers?
→ Monica is a hooker, O.J. is a slicer and Bill doesn't know what hole to put it in.

There was a man that was stranded, standing on nothing but a rock in the middle of the sea, waiting for someone to come. Then along comes a boat.

The man on the boat asks:

- do you want any help?

Man on the rock replies:

- no- the Lord will save me - so then the man on the boat went away. A helicopter then came and asked him:

- do you want any help?

The man replied:

- no - the Lord will save me! Then along comes another man on a boat and asks:

- do you want any help?

and he said:

- no-the Lord will save me.

By this stage he was up to his neck in water. He then drowned. He was at the holy gates and asked St. Peter:

- why didn't the Lord save me????

St. Peter said:

- he sent you 2 boats a helicpter-what more do you want!?

How do you circumsize a redneck?
→ You kick his sister in the chin!

Why do men always want their brides to wear white?
→ Because they want their dish washer to match their fridge and stove.

A man goes to visit the grave of his mother, puts a beautiful bouquet at the headstone and gets up, to leave when he notices another man crying his heart out, lying on one of the graves in such a way, that he breaks the other man's heart.

The sobbing goes on and on and he hears the other say:

- Oh why? Why did you have to die!? Why did you go?

And then he breaks down sobbing again, hitting his head over the headstone, still crying:

- Oh why did you die!? Why did you go so soon?

Intringued, the other guy goes to him and says:

- I'm so sorry for your loss, is there anything I can do for you?

- Who is the person you are crying over so desperately, he asks, in compassion?

- That's my wife's third husband, comes the reply, between sobs.

- I'm number four.....

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman:

- Give me six double vodkas.

The barman says:

- Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day.

- Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay.

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back:

- I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender says:

- Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?.

- Yeah, my wife...