Best jokes

A blonde walks into a barber shop one day and asks the man if she can get her hair cut. The man says "Well ma'am, I can't cut your hair with those head-phones on. You're going to have to take them off." She shakes her head vigorously and replies "No, if I take them off, I will die." He put his hands on his hips and ripped them off of her head. She fell to the floor and died. He was extremely surprised and picked up the head-phones. All he heard was "Breathe in, breathe out, breath in."

Can we count them with our nose?
Can we count them with our toes?
Should we count them with a band?
Should we count them all by hand?
If I do not like the count, I will simply throw them out.
I will not let this vote count stand.
I do not like them, AL GORE I am!

Can we change these numbers here?
Can we change them, calm my fears?
What do you mean, Dubya has won?
This is not fair, this is not fun.
Let's count them upside down this time.
Let's count until the state is mine.
I will not let this vote count stand.
I do not like it, AL GORE I am!

I'm really ticked, I'm in a snit.
You have not heard the last of it.
I'll count the ballots one by one.
And hold each one up to the sun.
I'll count, recount, and count some more.
You'll grow to hate this little chore.
But I will not, cannot let this vote count stand.
I do not like it, Al Gore I am!

I won't leave office, I'm stayin' here.
I've glued my desk chair to my rear.
Tipper, Hillary, and Bubba, too, all telling me that I should sue.
We find the Electoral College vile.
Re-count the votes until I smile.
We do not want this vote to stand.
We do not like it, AL GORE I am!

An Australian Combat Field Engineer Sergeant and a U.S Marine were on exchange duty and were sharing the latrines.

The Aussie Sergeant finished first and walked out without washing his hands. The U.S Marine watched in disgust, finished his squirt, washed his hands and walked up to the Aussie Sergeant and said:

- In the U.S Marine Corps we were taught to wash our hands after a leak

The rather large Aussie Sergeant replied:

- In the Australian Army mate, we were taught not to piss on our hands ...!

A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun. He told the homeowner:

- Now listen carefully, I'm going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctivly crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap the handcuffs on

- Ok, got it - the homeowner replied. But whats that shotgun for?

- If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla - the man said - shoot the Chihuahua.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
→ It doesn't matter, he won't come!

Three guys made a competition to see who would make a girl scream louder in bed.

The first one went in, meanwhile the other two stayed out and listened to the girl moan for a bit.

The second one went in and the girl screamed a little bit harder.

When the third one went in, the girl SCREAMED! and SCREAMED! About an hour later the girl came out moaning.

The first guy asked "Wow, how did you do that?" The guy, all tired and wet replied "I simply used my head".

An old man and women are going out for a meal to celebrate there 50th anniversary.

The old man is getting ready but cant find his shoes so he looks under the bed and finds a box with 2 eggs in it and a thousand pounds so that evening he questions his wife about it at dinner.

She said:

- Well.. each time I was unfaithful to you I put an egg in the box

- And what about the thousand pound? - asked the old man.

- Well... - Replies the woman - Each time I got a dozen eggs I sold them

- Hubby: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

- Wife: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

- Hubby: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

- Wife: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

- Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.

- Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.

- Girl: Well, that's because we aren't married yet!

- Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

- Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.

- Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap!

- Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"

- Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."

- Wife to husband: "What? At 2 a.m.?!"

- Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."

A newly married man asked his wife:

- Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?

- Honey - the woman replied sweetly - I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!

- Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."

- Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

- How was your blind date? - a college student asked her roommate.

- Terrible! - the roommate answered. He showed up his 1932 Rolls Royce.

- Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?

- He was the original owner!

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:

- Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin.

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told these men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote:

- Returned un-opened.

A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans".

- My father grows beans - said one student.

- My father cooks beans - said another.

- Then little Johnny spoke up: We are all human beans.

- Teacher: Let's take the example of the busy ant. He is busy all the time, works all day and every day. Then what happens?

- Little Johnny: "He gets stepped on."

- Interviewer to Millionaire: "To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire to?"

- Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."

- Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"

- Millionaire: "A Billionaire!"

There were once three guys with no dicks. They all went to the doctor's.

The first guy says:

- Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me!

- What's the problem? - asks the doctor.

- I have no dick!

So the doctor gives him a metal dick and tells him to come back in a week.

The next guy comes in and says:

- Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me!

- What's wrong? - the doctor asks.

- I have no dick!

The doctor gives him a wooden dick and tells him to come back in a week.

The last guy comes in and has the same problem. The doctor gives him an electrical dick, and also tells him to come back in a week.

A week later, the first guy with the metal dick goes to the doctor and says:

- Doctor, doctor, I hate you, I hate you!

- Why? - asks the doctor.

- Well, everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, she starts to shiver!

He walks out.

The next guy with the wooden dick comes in and says:

- Doctor! I hate you!

- Why? - the doctor asks.

- Everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters up there!

He walks out.

The last guy with the electrical dick walks in and says:

- Doctor, doctor! I love you, I love you!

- Why?

- Everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, her boobs light up!

How do you make a blonde go crazy?
→ Place them in a round room, and tell them to stand in the corner!