Best jokes

The Rabbi rose with a red face...

- Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Jewish community cannot tolerate! I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and our Jewish community.

No one moved.

The Rabbi continued:

- Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel relief. Now stand and confess your transgression!

Again all was quiet. Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose in the third pew. Her head was bowed, and her voice quivered as she spoke:

- Rabbi, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan... I just told a couple of friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.

A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian:

- This is the WORST book I've ever read!

- It has NO plot and far too many characters!

The librarian looks up and calmly remarks:

- So, you're the one who took our phone book...

In the Ohio State Buckeyes locker room in Columbus, there's a sign stating:

- Play like champions today!

There's also one in the Michigan Wolverines locker room that says:

- Don't forget your HELMET!

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.

Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.

Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of dollar bills and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.

The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers.

Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.

- What on earth did you do that for? - shouts Frank.

- You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze!!!

Matt replies:

- What...and we weren't?

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27. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres
28. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT
29. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA
30. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
31. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
32. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
33. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
34. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS
35. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
36. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB
37. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
38. EASY UNIX
39. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE AND AGRICULTURE
40. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
41. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
42. FRENCH HOSPITALITY
43. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES
44. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER - by Art Garfunkel
45. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
46. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA
47. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS
48. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

And the Number one World's Shortest book:......

1. HOW TO OVERCOME TEMPTATION by Bill Clinton

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.

The waiter comes and takes their drink order.

- I would like a Sprite - said the first little piggie.

- I would like a Coke - said the second little piggie.

- I want water, lots and lots of water - said the third little piggie.

The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.

- I want a nice big steak - said the first piggie.

- I would like the salad plate - said the second piggie.

- I want water, lots and lots of water - said the third little piggie.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

- I want a banana split - said the first piggie.

- I want a root beer float - said the second piggie.

- I want water, lots and lots of water - exclaimed the third little piggie.

- Pardon me for asking - said the waiter - but why have you only ordered water?

The third piggies says:

- Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!'

There were three little babies sitting next to each other in shopping carts in the grocery store check-out line. The first little baby says, "Ugh, look at this - my mom just bought strained plums!" The second baby says, "You think that's bad - my mom just bought strained peas!" And the third baby says... "You think you guys got it bad? How would you like to share a breast with a guy that smokes cigars!"

4 Doctors were talking shop one day...

An Israeli doctor said:

- Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks.

A German doctor said:

- That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks.

A Russian doctor said:

- In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks.

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said:

- Hah! We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day!

This chick goes to her docter and tells him that she can't get any from her husband. So he gives her some pills and says:

- they are experimental pills, put two into his coffee and see what happens.

So she does and the next morning come back and says:

- the sex was great what if I use ten??

And the docter replied:

- they are experimental pills so try it and see what happens.

So the next day she comes back and says:

- the sex was better, can I put the whole bottle in and see what happens.

The next morning a little boy walks up and says:

- my mother's dead, my sister's pregnant, my arse hurts like hell and my father is sitting in the corner saying here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

A blonde, a brunette, and a red-head where driving down the road, when a cop starts to chase them. They rush off and crash into the side of a barn, they immediately jump out of the car and hide under potatoe sacks. The cop runs in after them, and the first potatoe sack he comes to the brunette is under. He kicks it and the brunette says, "MEEEEOOOOOOW", and the cop says, "Oh! It's just a stupid cat." He then moves to the potatoe sack the red-head is under and kicks it. The red-head replies, "ROOF, ROOF", the cop, angry now, says, "STUPID DOG!!" Then the cop gets to the potatoe sack the blonde is under, he kicks it with great force and the blonde screams, "POOOOOOTAAAAAAATOOOOOOOE!"