Best jokes

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.

- You simpleton! - the officer barked.

- Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?

- Yes sir - the solder answered apologetically.

- But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, 'Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' ---that did it!

A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him.

The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap.

- Jeez - the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr. Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get Murphy positioned in the car.

He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the passenger door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground. Cursing softly, now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the front door. He lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and the guy falls down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs. Murphy answers the door.

- Hi, Mrs. Murphy, Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home.

- That was nice of you - she says, looking around...

- But where's his wheelchair? (woo-hoo! that's MEAN! :)

A certain young man finally got a date with a female of somewhat questionable morals that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.

Unfortunately, he fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool". But, determined not to miss his date, he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.

When the hot date showed up at his apartment, the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a video. During the video, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.

The date, meanwhile, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his dingy immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, she exclaimed:

- So, that's how you guys load those things!

What do Skeletons say before eating?
→ Bone Appetite.

What do blondes and Jack-O-Lanterns have in common?
→ Both have blank expressions and are hollow inside.

Why did the Vampire get fired from the Blood Bank?
→ He was caught drinking on the job.

Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating?
→ Women can see right through them.

Why are Vampires Democrats?
→ They want Gore in 2000.

What kind of clothes do Zombies wear?
→ Decay NY.

Why aren't there any famous skeletons?
→ They're a bunch of no bodies.

What kind of music do Mummies listen to?
→ Wrap.

What do you call a guy turned on by a witch?
→ Scared stiff.

Yo mama's so hairy...

• Yo mama's so hairy, they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower.
• Yo mama's so hairy, Bigfoot took a picture of her.
• Yo mama's so hairy, her armpits look like she has Don King in a head lock.
• Yo mama's so hairy, she looks like a Chia pet with a sweater on.
• Yo mama's so hairy, she has afros on her nipples.
• Yo mama's so hairy, you almost died of rug burn at birth.
• Yo mama's so hairy, she shaves with a weedwacker.
• Yo mama's so hairy, she got a trim and lost 10 pounds.
• Yo mama's so hairy, when she spreads her legs, the first thing that comes to my mind is "We're going to Bush Gardens."

My 75 year old Dad was taking his daily walk through the park when he heard a tiny voice calling to him.

- Hey, mister! Pssst, mister!

Dad looked all around, and spotted a little frog sitting in the grass looking up at him.

- Hey mister - said the frog.

- A wicked witch cast a spell on me, and turned me into an ugly frog. If you'll just kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and be forever grateful.

Dad reached down, picked up the frog, put it in his pocket, and proceeded to walk on. The frog called out to him again:

- Hey! Didn't you hear me? I said if you'll kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess and be forever grateful.

Dad replied:

- I heard you, but at my age, I'd rather just have a talking frog!

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.

The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said:

- Mmmmm, I smell sausage.

The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said:

- Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes.

The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles................

Are you ready for this? :)............

The baby mole said:

- The only thing I can smell is molasses!

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady.

For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately.

He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest... and on, and on.

One afternoon an orderly entered the room.

- Time to take your temperature, General.

After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer.

- Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end.

A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.

The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general:

- Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you - and withdrew.

An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped:

- What's going on here?

- Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken? - the general barked.

- Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?

A blind man was standing on the corner with his dog when the dog raised his leg and wet on the man's trouser leg.

The man reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit.

A busybody who had been watching ran up to him and said:

- You shouldn't do that. He'll never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that!

The blind man retorted:

- I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his mouth so that I can kick him in the ass!

Aries

You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick-tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very nice.

Taurus

You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. Taurus people have BO.

Gemini

You are a quick and intellectual thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap.

Cancer

You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most Welfare recipients are Cancer people.

Leo

You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves.

Virgo

You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.

Libra

You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male, you are probably gay. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women make good prostitutes. The majority of you Libras have a venereal disease.

Scorpio

You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve the pinnacle or success because of your total lack of ethics. You have a weakness for pasta and adultery. Most Scorpio people end up murdered.

Sagittarius

You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or druggies. People laugh at you a great deal.

Capricorn

You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still too long, as a dog might mistake you for a fire hydrant.

Aquarius

You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you tend to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid.

Pisces

You have a vivid imagination, and often think you are being followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to small animals.