Best jokes

After dozens of very expensive tests and weeks of hospitalization, the rich old man was told he had only 24 hours to live.

He immediately called his doctor and his lawyer to his room. He asked the doctor to stand by one side of his bed and his lawyer to stand by the other.

After standing for some time, the doctor asked:

- What do you want me to do?

- Nothing. Just stand there.

A while later, the lawyer asked:

- What do you want me to do?

- Nothing. Just stand there.

As the hours wore on, the doctor and the lawyer watched the man weaken. When his time had almost arrived, the doctor and the lawyer again asked:

- Why are we standing here?

Well - said the old man.

- Christ died between two thieves, so I thought I'd do the same!

The Roadrunner was feeling very amorous one day, and since there were no other female roadrunners around, he decided to look around.

He happened to spot a lovely dove. Bzzzzzz... down he goes and feathers are flying, lots of dust in the air and the dazed dove is lying there with a smile and says:

- I'm a dove and I've been loved!

The Roadrunner is still not satisfied. He spots a Lark flying around and zooms down on her. Again, feathers are flying around and dust is in the air and the dazed Lark is lying there and said:

- I'm a Lark and I've been sparked.

The Roadrunner is still not satisfied and spots a Duck. He zooms down and again feathers are flying and a lot of squawkings and dust flying in the air, and the roadrunner takes off.

The Duck is lying there really pissed off, and says:

- I'm a Drake and there's been a mistake!

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually.

So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly:

- Where is God?

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.

So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone:

- Where is God?

Again the boy made no attempt to answer.

So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed:

- WHERE IS GOD!?

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked:

- What happened?

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied:

- We are in BIG trouble this time, dude... God is missing--and they think WE did it!

How do you recognize a blonde at the airport?
→ She's the one throwing bread at the airplanes.

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look bigger.
male: what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 min.

- I'm out of estrogen. I have a gun.

- Guys have feelings, too. But like... who cares?

- I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

- Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

- I hate everybody, and you're next.

- Please don't make me kill you.

- And your point is ...

- I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

- I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.

- Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

- Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.

- You KNOW you want me.

- Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time.

- Of course I don't look busy. I did it right the first time.

- Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

- I'm multitalented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time.

- Do NOT start with me. You won't win.

- You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

- All stressed out and no one to choke.

- I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

- How can I miss you if you won't go away?

- Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

- If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.

- Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.

- Don't make me mad. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

- Objects Under This Shirt ARE Larger Than They Appear.

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
2. Pilot-"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
6. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."
11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"
12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I as you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

A brunette and a blonde were speeding down the street when they passed a cop.

- Oh no! - cried the brunette.

- Is he following me?

- Yep - replied the blonde.

- I'm going to drive down this little side road, okay? - said the brunette.

- Yep - replied the blonde.

- Is the cop still following me?

- Yep.

- Is his lights on?

- Yep, nope, yep, nope, yep, nope...

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.

So he called on a female angel and sent her to Earth for a time.

When she returned she told God:

- Yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.

Well, he thought for a moment and said:

- Maybe I had better send down a male angel; to get both points of view.

So God called a male angel and sent him to Earth for a time.

When the male angel returned he went to God and told him:

- Yes, the Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good.

God said this was not good. He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good and encourage them a little, something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that E-mail said?

Oh! You didn't get one either huh?

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:

- I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me.

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:

- I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.

And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say:

- I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,

Matt Millen of the Raiders said:

- To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too.

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996:

- Nobody in football should be called a genius.. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.

Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded:

- Because she is too damn ugly to kiss goodbye.

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh:

- I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements:

- I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school.

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King:

- Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:

- That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my @#%#%@ clothes.

Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece:

- I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.

Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships:

- I've won at every level, except college and pro.

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota:

- He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record:

- We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play. (1992)

Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations:

- He wants Texas back. (1981)

Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning:

- One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football? (1966)

Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books:

- But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet. (1991)

Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs:

- I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating. (1986)

Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons:

- It's basically the same, just darker. (1991)

Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote:

- I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot. (1996)

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:

- I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.' (1991)

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:

- Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject. (1987)