Best jokes

What do you call Magic Johnson on rollerblades?
→ ROLLAIDS!

Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring.

- Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony.

- Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I do - said Irving.

- Sounds great - Morris replied.

- but how do you make it last for an hour?

- That's easy...just keep her in the waiting room for 59 minutes!

An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrist's office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears.

- Doctor, my memory's gone. Gone! I can't remember my wife's name. Can't remember my children's names. Can't remember what kind of car I drive.

Can't remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here!?!

- Calm down sir! How long have you been like this?

- Like what?

It's your first time.

As you lie back your muscles tighten.

You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid, and you shake your head bravely and mumble no. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-- he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance.

You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.

As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel slight trickle of blood as he continues.

He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful.

Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on.

He begins moving in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few frenzied moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.

He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

Keep reading on below...??????????????????????????

You smile and thank your dentist!

After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Naughty, Naughty!

What were you thinkin'?

PERVERT I know what you were thinking!

A man walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful lady.

- May I buy you a drink? - the man asks the lady.

- Sure, but one thing I have to confess before you get intimate is that I was once a man - she responds.

- Whoa! I would have never known if you hadn't told me - the man says shocked.

- Well what was the worst part of the operation? Was it when they sewed on those gahoonas?

- No - she says calmly.

- What about when they cut off your..

- No - she says hesitantly.

- Well what was the worst part of the operation? - the man asks.

- Well, the worst part has to be when they removed half of my brain!

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.

Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.

- I'm afraid I have some very bad news - the doctor says.

- You're dying, and you don't have much time left.

- Oh, that's terrible! - says the man.

- How long have I got?

- Ten - the doctor says sadly.

- Ten? - the man asks.

- Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?

- Nine...

- Eight...

- Seven...

A redneck named Clyde died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Clem and Zeke, were sent for.

Clem went in first, and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Clem said:

- Yup, he's burnt real bad; but you'll have to roll him over if you want me to identify him.

So the mortician rolled the corpse over and Clem looked and said:

- Nope, it ain't Clyde.

The mortician thought that was rather strange, but proceeded to bring in Zeke to identify the body. After the sheet was pulled back, Zeke took a look and said:

- Yup, he's burnt real bad; roll him over.

So, again the mortician rolled the burnt corpse over, and Zeke looked down and said:

- Nope, it ain't Clyde.

Frustrated, the mortician asked:

- How can you tell?

Zeke answered:

- Well, Clyde had two assholes.

- What!? - The disbelieving mortician asked.

- He had TWO assholes?

- Yup, that's right, everybody knew Clyde had two assholes.

Ever time we went to town, folks would say...'Here comes that thar Clyde with them two assholes!'

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks:

- Is your date running late?

- No - he replies.

- I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.

The intrigued woman says:

- A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?

- It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me - he explains.

- Oh really? What's it telling you now? - she inquires.

- Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...

The woman giggles and replies:

- Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!

And the man starts tapping on the watch face and says:

- Damn thing must be an hour fast!

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy:

- You're in charge of sweeping.

To the Irishman he says:

- You're in charge of shovelling.

To the Chinese guy:

- You're in charge of supplies.

He then says:

- Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile.

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.

He says to the Italian:

- Why didn't you sweep any of it!?

The Italian replies in a heavy accent:

- I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him.

Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel. The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue:

- Aye, ye did lad, but I counna get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I counna fin' him.

The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy.

Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells...!!

- Supplies!!

- There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.

- Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods... Cats have never forgotten this.

- Here's proof that Cats are smarter than dogs... You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

- Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later.

- People who hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life.

- Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God!

- Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel.

- I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.

- My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes.

- Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit!