Best jokes

If government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine and liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about the matter!

• WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.
• WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
• WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.
• WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.
• WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants (panties) anyway.
• WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
• WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really, really huge biker guy named "Big Al".

What does it mean when two lesbians make love?
→ It doesn't mean dick.

"Look at me." an elderly Yuppie boasted to his guests at his birthday bash. "I've aged like a fine old carefully stored wine."

"I certainly have to agree with that." piped-up his obviously long suffering wife. "Henry's cork's been stationary for years."

An old man goes to the doctor and says "Dr., I don't know what's wrong with me. My dick is orange."

The Dr. tells him to pull down his pants and let him take a look. He has no idea what is wrong so he asks the guy if he has recently painted anything orange.

The old man said "No."

The Dr. thinks for a minute and then asks the guy if he has recently been exposed to any chemicals at work.

The old man said "No, I'm retired."

The Dr. then asks the guy if he could have been working with any chemicals in his garage.

The old man replied "No Dr., I told you, I'm retired. All I do is sit around all day, watch pornos and eat Cheetos..."

What do men and pantyhose have in common?
→ They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!

If a man is bald at the front, he is a thinker.

If he is bald at the back, he is sexy.

If he is bald from front to back - he thinks he is sexy.

Two bikers were talking at a bar.

"How's married life?" asks the first.

"It's fine," says the second.

"How's the sex?" asks the first.

"Fine," says the second, "At least I don't have to wait in line!"

A couple on their honeymoon woke up after their big night.

The bride rolled over and said, "That was nice but tell me, what did my pussy look like before you rooted it?"

The husband replied "Like a beautiful rose with drops of dew on it."

"That's nice honey" she replied, "What did it look like after you rooted it?"

"Like a bulldog eating porridge" the husband replied.

Jake is 85, and he gets married to a 16-year-old. He walks into the local bar when he gets back from his honeymoon, and all the guys want to hear about his wedding night.

Jake says, "Well, when we got to the hotel, my youngest son carried me up the stairs, undressed me, and lifted me onto the bed with my bride, so's me and her could spend the night together. The next morning all three of my sons came upstairs and lifted me off of her."

The bartender says, "Why did it take three sons to get you off?"

Jake says, "I fought 'em."

What does a camera and a condom have in common?
→ They both capture that magic moment.