A man and a woman are in an elevator. All of a sudden the elevator stops and the fire alarm goes off.
The woman starts to have a break down and say to the man:
- I wish I could feel like a woman one last time.
The man automatically rips his shirt off throws it to the floor and says:
- now fold it!
One morning this blonde calls her friend and says:
- Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it.
Her friend asks:
- What's the puzzle supposed to look like?
The blonde says:
- From the picture on the box, it's a tiger.
So, the blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to the table where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a minute, then studies the box. He then turns to her and says:
- First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger.
- Second, I'd advise you to have a cup of coffee and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box!
Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odor.
- Do you wash? - the doctor asked the smelly young girl.
- Oh, yes - Mary answered.
- Each morning, I start at my head and wash down as far as possible. Then I start at my feet and I wash up as far as possible.
- Well - the doctor concluded.
- Go home and wash 'possible'!!!
Ther was this Indian chief, and he had three wives. They slept in the same tent. One on a bear skin, one on a buffalo skin and one on a hippopotamus skin.
After a time the three had children. The one that slept on the bear skin had a baby boy, the one on the buffalo skin had a baby girl, and the one on the hippopotamus skin had a baby boy and a baby girl, proving that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the sqaws on the other two hides!!!
One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Clinton saw him and asked:
- George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?
- Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did - advised George.
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom.
- Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country? - Clinton asked.
- Cut taxes and reduce the size of government - advised Tom.
Clinton didn't sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows.
It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost.
- Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country? - Clinton asked.
And Abe replied:
- Go to the theater!
What do u call a black priest?
→ Holy shit!!
A man walks into the bar and orders 2 shots of whiskey and the man drinks one and pours the other shot in his hand, the man did this 3 times before the bartender finally asks him ----why is it you drink 1 shot and pour the other in your hand.
The man replies, I'm getting my girl friend drunk!
- Student: Can I use the bathroom?
- Teacher: Okay but first say your ABC's.
- Students: ABCDEFGHIJKLMNO QRSTUVWXYZ
- Teacher: Where's the P?
- Student: Its running down my leg!
Whats the most embrassing thing for a cheerleader?
→ When she does the splits and 8 class rings fall out!
You Know You're in New York City When...
