Best jokes

A woman goes to the doctor's and says:

- Doctor, Doctor, you have to help me. Every time I go to the bathroom, DIMES come out!

The doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week.

A week later the woman returns and says:

- Doctor, Doctor, it's gotten worse! Every time I go to the bathroom, QUARTERS come out!! What's wrong with me?

Again the doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week. Another week passes and the woman returns and yells:

- Doctor, Doctor, I'm still not getting better! Every time I go to the bathroom, HALF-DOLLARS come out! WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?!!

The doctor says:

- Relax, Relax,... you're just going through your change!

You momma is so fat, she needs a sheep for a tampon!

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

- The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.

He continued:

- Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:

- How much for a season pass?

Why did Elton John wear a nicotine patch on his penis?
→ Because he was trying to cut down to one fag a day!

Confucious say: Man who go to bed with itchy ass, wake up with smelly finger.

Your momma is so fat, when she stood in the scale to get weighed it read -(one at a time please!!!!!!)

Note: This is an extract of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

- INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

- GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

- INTERVIEWER: Shooting! that's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

- GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

- INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

- GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how, ....we will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

- INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

- GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

A man walked up to a farmer's house, and knocked on the door. When the farmer's wife opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door.

Again, the man knocked, and again, he asked the same question. Again, she slammed the door and screamed:

- Get the hell away!

Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case.

Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex she said:

- Yes!

The man replied:

- Great! Give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife!

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest.

The first has no arms.

The second no legs.

And the third has no body, just a head.

They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts:

- Three years I've spent learning to swim with my freakin' ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some idiot puts a swimming cap on me!

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says:

- Sir, did you call for me?

Bob replies:

- No, what do you mean?

She says:

- You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me.

Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says:

- Sir, did you call for me?

Bob replies:

- No, what do you mean?

The Huge Man:

- You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me.

The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist:

- May I help you?

Bob says:

- Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee.

Receptionist:

- But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities....."

Bob replies:

- Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day!