Best jokes

Striking up a conversation with the attractive woman seated beside him on a coast-to-coast flight, a would-be Romeo asked:

- What kind of man are you attracted to?

- I've always been drawn to Native American men - she replied.

- They're in harmony with nature.

- I see - said the man, nodding.

- But, then, I really go for Jewish men who put women on a pedestal, and I can rarely resist the way Southern gentlemen treat their ladies with respect.

- Please allow me to introduce myself - said the man.

- My name is Tecumseh Goldstein, but all my friends call me Bubba.

A guy is outside in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son.

Every time the kite gets up in the air, it comes crashing down.

After this goes on for awhile, his wife sticks her head out the front door and yells:

- You need more tail.

The guy turns to his son and says:

- Son, I never will understand women. I just told her an hour ago I needed more tail, and she said to go fly a kite!

They are:

- Her Doctor; he says - Take your clothes off.

- Her Dentist; he says - Open wide.

- Her Veterinarian; he says - And how is your little pussy doing today?

- Her Gardener; he says - Do you want me to mulch your bush?

- Her Hairdresser; he says - Do you want it teased or blown?

- Her Interior Decorator; he says - You'll like it once it's in.

- Her Hunter; he goes deep into the bush, shoots several times, and always eats what he shoots.

- Her Remodeler; he says - It fits tongue-in-groove with a little hammering.

- Her Milkman; he says - Do you want it in front or in back?

- Her Banker; he says - If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest.

The bachelor who complained that the women he selected would not remain his friend for more than a few weeks was told:

- Your problem is that you are looking for a particular kind of woman.

- You ought to be looking for the kind of woman who is not particular.

A lonely divorcee was driving home from work one evening when she saw a man trying to hitch a ride. She picked him up and they got to talking:

- What do you do? - she asked him.

- I recently escaped from prison for having killed my wife.

- Oh, does that mean you are available?

An office manager was sent three secretaries, equally qualified, to fill one vacancy.

- Well, - thought the manager - I'll give them an honesty test to determine which secretary to keep.

To this end, he gave each secretary a money bag to take and bank telling them that there was $50 in the bag. (In fact, he had placed $100 in each bag; thus the honesty test.)

The first secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50 and returns the extra $50 to the manager.

The second secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks the full $100, and returns with a deposit slip as proof.

The third secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50, goes to the local TAB and uses the $50 to win $300, then returns, explains to the manager and gives him the all the money.

Which secretary does the manager select to retain????????
→ Well, DUH!... The one with the biggest breasts!

I think it was in Britain where a billboard advertising a car read:

- If this car was a woman, she'd get pinched in the butt.

Underneath which a graffiti read:

- If this woman was a car, she'd run you over.

My wife gave me a lesson the other night on User Interface Problems, that really points up some of the differences between the sexes.

We were watching CNN's Technology program they have on weekends, when a segment on Virtual Reality came on.

Looking at the all the wires and gadgets, she turned to me and said that Virtual Reality would never catch on with women.

I was puzzled by this, until she explained:

- Every woman's first thought on seeing that helmet will be, 'I can't wear that. It will mess up my hair!'

A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.

She thinks to herself:

- Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchical society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat, and she pushes him back onto the seat.

A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.

Finally, the man says:

- Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already!

10. Lower auto insurance premiums.
11. Easier to get job because of hiring quotas.
12. Cleaner restrooms.
13. Tired of boring men's fashions and wants something new and exciting.
14. Women live longer.
15. Can get easily picked up in bars.
16. Really likes the guy next door but knows that he is not gay.
17. Failed to make the MEN'S U.S. Olympic Ski Team.
18. Wants to be an assistant to Clarence Thomas to find out if "it's really true".

And the number 1 reason why John is officially becoming a woman:

1. PMS - An Incredible Sensory Experience!!!