Best jokes

And God Created The Woman

He was so pleased with his creation that he calls in three of his top advisors: His chief Carpenter, His Chief Tailor, and His Chief Architect.

He presents his creation to his Chiefs and asks them for suggestions and comments.

The Carpenter says:

- Too many forms, you need to straighten things out, flatten it out.

God replies:

- No I like it that way, but thanks

Then the Tailor says:

- Too many strings (hair) sticking out, you need to trim them.

God replies:

- No I like it that way, but thanks

Then the Architect says:

- Wonderful creation, absolutely superb, but next time, please do not place the toilets next to the reception room

When God made man, he made him out of string.
He had a little left, so he left a little thing.

When God made woman, he made her out of lace.
He didn't have enough, so he left a little space.

These two Polaks are building a house. One of them is putting on the siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another nail, throws it away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another, throws it away. This goes on for a while, and finally his friend comes over and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails away.

He replies:

- Those ones were pointed on the wrong end.

The buddy gets exasperated and says...:

- You idiot, those are for the other side of the house!

Three men were all applying for the same job as a detective. One was Polish, one was Jewish, and one was Italian. Rather than ask the standard questions during the interview, the chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer.

When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked:

- Who killed Jesus Christ?

The Jewish man answered without hesitation:

- The Romans killed him.

The chief thanked him and he left.

When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the same question. He replied:

- Jesus was killed by the Jews.

Again, the chief thanked the man who then left.

When the Polish man arrived for his interview, he was asked the exact same question. He thought for a long time, before saying:

- Could I have some time to think about it?

The chief said:

- OK, but get back to me tommorrow.

When the Polish man arrived home, his wife asked:

- How did the interview go?

He replied:

- Great, I got the job, and I'm already investigating a murder!

An old woman saved a Fairy's life. To repay this, the Fairy promised to grant the old woman three wishes.

For the first wish, the old lady asked to become young and beautiful. Poof! She became young and beautiful.

For the second wish, the old lady asked to be richest woman in the world. Poof! She was the richest woman in the world.

For the last wish, she pointed at the cat she had kept for years. She asked that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth. After all, he had been her best friend for so many years. Poof! The Fairy turned the cat into the most handsome man on earth.

The old lady and the Fairy said their goodbyes.

After the Fairy left, the handsome man (old cat) strolled over to her and asked:

- Now aren't you sorry you had me neutered?!!!

In response to calls for sexual equity, Pillsbury recently added a new Pillsbury Doughgirl character to the well known Doughboy. Unfortunately, she couldn't come to work this week because she had a yeast infection.

I don't think the leading feminist realized what she was saying when she told a reporter, "As long as women are split like we are, men will remain on top."

A woman needs only four animals in her life: a mink on her back, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass to pay for it all.

An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate.

They met, discovered they had the same fiancee, and told him:

- Get out of our lives you rascal.

- We'll teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too.

A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman who is shopping on Rodeo Drive and said:

- I haven't eaten anything in four days.

She looked at him and said:

- God, I wish I had your willpower.