Best jokes

Grandpa is running around in the nursing home with his privates hanging out of his pants screaming:

- My penis just died, my penis just died!

The nurses calm him down, and he goes back to his room. The next day, grandpa is running around again with his privates hanging out, so the nurse asks him:

- I thought you said yesterday that your penis died. What happened?

Grandpa replies:

- Yes, it did... but today is the viewing!

Guy goes to the doctor to get the results of a health check.

- I've got good news and bad news, which do you want first?

- Good news first.

- OK, You got 24 hours to live

- Dang, whats the bad news!

- I shoulda' told you yesterday!

At a recent COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

- If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12. Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

What does an agnostic, insomniac, dyslexic do?
→ Stay up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

What did the blonde say when the docter told her one leg was bigger than the other?
→ Like, Not even!

What do you call 32 hillbillies standing in line?
→ A full set of teeth!

A LITTLE SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT:
Why was it that the Kamakazi pilots used helmets?

A LITTLE SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT:
Assume you drive your car at light speed. What happens when you turn on the head lights?

What did the astronaut see in his skillet pan?
→ An Unidentified Frying Object!

Office work dull?...

None of your colleagues appreciate your humour?...

Amuse yourself. Points are awarded on a degree of difficulty basis. You can award yourself extra points for creative execution

One-Point Gags

• Run one lap around the office at top speed
• Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other 'non-player' must be in the bathroom at the time)
• When they're not looking, pour most of someone's fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew.
• Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you
• Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye"
• To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
• When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
• Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way"
• Walk sideways to the photcopier.
• While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open

Three-Point Gags

• Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
• Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get All that, I don't want to have to repeat it"
• Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice)
• Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
• Shout random numbers while someone is counting

Five-Point Gags

• At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
• Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times
• For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'
• Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two"
• After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamacian accent, as in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour
• While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
• In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damm it, all of you just shut up!"
• At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again".
• In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights"
• Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
• Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now"
• Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can' talk about it"
• Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local resturant. Let him go
• Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
• Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk
• Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
• Rollerblade around the floor throwing sweets