Best jokes

Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer (JenJohnson@AOL.com).

Unfortunately, he forgot his wife's exact email address and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson (JJohnson@AOL.com) of New Jersey, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away.

The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted.

When she was finally revived by her daughter, she nervously pointed to the message, which read:

- Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here.

One day a Blonde and a Brunette were driving through the country..

The Brunette noticed a woman over in a field of wheat rowing in a kayak.

The Blonde then noticed also and the Brunette asked her:

- Why is she in a boat out in a field of wheat? There is a lake right down the road!

And the Blonde replied...:

- Want me to swim out and tell her?

Peter and Jim were partners in a profitable painting-contracting business. Unfortunately, they weren't entirely honest, because they mixed their paint with water.

One day Jim's conscience started to bother him as they painted a poor widow's house. The next day Jim told Peter he just couldn't be dishonest anymore.

- Don't quit now, - Peter begged.

- A few more jobs and we can retire.

Jim refused to change his mind.

- Peter, - he said.

- I just can't do it. Last night an angel stood by my bed and said - 'Repaint, repaint... you thinner.'

A self-centered, unbelieving man... ok a lawyer... died and was delivered into the devil's hands.

- You will be spending eternity here, but I'll let you pick your own room from three I'll show you, - the devil said.

In the first room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a brick floor.

- I don't like that, - said the man.

- Show me the second.

In the second room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a wood floor.

- Well, that's better than brick, - the man said, but show me the third.

In the third, thousands of people were standing ankle-deep in a room full of maggot infested garbage, all drinking coffee.

- I'll choose this room, - he said. Into the room he went and the door slammed behind him.

Immediately, the voice of a minor demon rang out:

- O.K., coffee break is over, back on your heads.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil-worshipper?
→ He sold his soul to Santa!

Headline in today's newspaper: "Suicidal Twin kills sister by mistake!"

A blonde girl goes into a hair salon and she's wearing earphones connected to her walkman.

She tells the hair stylist to cut her hair but NOT to take off her earphones. He had to cut around it. But, he thought it would look really stupid if he didn't cut under her earphones so he picked them up and lifted them slightly.

Suddenly, she fell to the ground, dead. The hair stylist picked up the ear phones to see what she had been listening to and a recorded voice was saying:

- Breathe In, Breathe Out. Breathe In, Breathe Out.

12. Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen?
13. I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!
14. If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?
15. No, offi, offic, lucifer . . . I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.
16. No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110 mph.
17. Back off, Barney, I've got a piece.
18. Want to race to the station, Sparky?
19. I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!
20. On the way to the station let's get a six pack.
21. You'll never get those cuffs on me. . . You Homo!
22. Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
23. No, YOU assume the position.

- Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud.

- Yes sir, it's fresh ground.

Why are dumb blonde jokes one liners?
→ So men can understand them.