Women Jokes — most viewed jokes

A woman was shopping in a fairly nice dress store. Trying on a dress and liking it, she asked the salesman the price. When he told her she launched into a tirade about prices these days, covering just about everything from housing to auto tires.

After ten minutes or so, the salesman had obviously had enuff and said, "My dear lady. If the cost of living is so high and obviously so offensive to you, why do you bother?"

When God created the earth, Adam & Eve, he found he had two baubles left over. He came to Adam & Eve & said, "I have two things left. One is the gift to piss while standing up."

Adam got very excited: "Oh, that would be so great, I would really like that. If I'm out in the fields, I can just go right there."

So Eve smiled & said, "Okay, it sounds like he really wants that." As Adam tried out his new gift, he asked out of curiousity, "What was the other gift?"

"Oh," God said, looking, "Multiple orgasms."

The Mammogram

This is an x-ray that has its own name because no one wants to actually say the word breast. Mammograms require your breasts to do gymnastics. If you have extremely agile breasts, you should do fine. Most breasts however, pretty much hang around doing nothing in particular so they are woefully unprepared. But you can prepare for a mammogram right at home using these simple exercises:

1. Refrigerate two bookends overnight. Lay one of your breasts (either will do) beetween the two bookends and smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Repeat three times daily.
2. Locate a pasta maker or old wringer washer. Feed the breast into the machine and start cranking. Repeat twice daily.
3. (Advanced) Situate yourself comfortably on your side on the garage floor. Place one of your breasts snugly behind the rear tire of the family van. When you give the signal, hubby will slowly ease the car into reverse. Hold for five seconds. Repeat on the other side.

There were these three models going by air to a photo shoot, Elle Mcpherson, Cindy Crawford, and Naomi Campbell.

Halfway through the flight the plane had engine trouble, the pilot warned the girls to assume the crash position, just in case they went down.

Elle put on more make-up saying, "They always rescued the beautiful ones first".

Cindy donned her jewelery claiming, "They would rescue the richest one first", upon which Naomi, threw off all her clothes, pressing herself against the window saying "You're both wrong, the first thing they look for is the Black Box"!

According to a news report, a certain private school recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of middle school girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

• She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
• She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
• She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
• She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
• She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
• She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
• She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
• She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.
• She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
• She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
• She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
• She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
• She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
• She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
• She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
• She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
• She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW-COST PROVIDER.

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories.

• "I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde." - Dolly Parton
• "I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job." - Roseanne
• "My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives." - Rita Rudner
• "He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant" - Carol Leifer
• "I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog." - Wendy Liebman
• "I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on." - Roseanne
• "I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT?" - Wendy Liebman
• "I think-therefore I'm single" - Lizz Winstead
• "Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid." - Hedy Lamarr
• "When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." - Elayne Boosler
• "I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." - Gilda Radner
• "Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." - Maryon Pearson
• "Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel." - Bella Abzug
• "In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman." - Margaret Thatcher
• "I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." - Gloria Steinem
• "Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." - Gloria Steinem
• "Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." - Katharine Hepburn
• "I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." - Marie Corelli
• "If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" - Linda Ellerbee
• "I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." - Zsa Zsa Gabor

- Have you heard about the new aftershave that drives women crazy?

- No! Tell me about it.

- It smells of $50 dollar bills.

There were 11 people hanging on to a single rope that suspended them from a helicopter trying to bring them to safety. Ten were men; one was a woman.

They all decided that one person would have to let go because if they didn't, the rope would break and all of them would die.

No one could decide who it should be. Finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving things up for their husbands and children and giving in to men.

All of the men started clapping.