Sport Jokes — most viewed jokes

Albert arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "241."

"That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!"

Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the lady answers, "144."

"That is great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"

Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51."

Albert responds, "How about them, Cowboys?"

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.

While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted.

The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted.

The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."

The pro quarterback was petitioning the court to have his recent marriage annulled. "On what grounds?" questioned the Judge, "This court does not take annulments lightly."

"Non-virginity," replied the quarterback, "When I married her, I thought I was getting a tight end, but instead, I found that I had married a wide receiver."

Murphy's Laws of Martial Arts

Ten scientific principles that apply to the study of all martial arts:

• The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when you're up against him.
• The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.
• The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the sensei will be sick.
• The sensei will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques.
• If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attacker's father will be a lawyer.
• After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat.
• After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam.
• In an otherwise vacant locker room, the only other person will have the locker right next to yours.
• No matter how many times you take care of it before your promotion exam, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom when it's your turn.

UNIVERSITY ENTRANCE EXAM
SEC FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION
(Time Limit: 3 Weeks)

1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope? (please check only one answer) (a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners
9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from? (a) Macy's (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? (a) yes (b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chatelier's Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges? (a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify

Apparently, Harry Redknapp offered to send the West Ham squad on an expenses paid holiday to Florida but they said they'd rather go to Blackpool so they could see what it's like to ride on an open-top bus.

What happened to the cheerleader when she did the splits?
→ 20 class rings fell out.

How come Mexico never has a good Olympic team?
→ Because all of the mexicans that can run, jump, or swim are in the U.S.

Top Baseball Player Demands
From Late Show with David Letterman; Friday, August 12, 1994

[In case anyone has od'ed on O.J. Simpson coverage or for those who might for some reason not know, the major league baseball player strike began today.]

• No team flights on Continental Airlines.
• Goodbye boring baseball hats, hello festive sombreros.
• Make it legal to cork their pants.
• Baseballs with delicious chocolate centers.
• No more reports from that old guy up at Woodstock. [In reference to the live reports tonight from Calvert]
• Two words: Streisand tickets.
• Every team has to have at least one player named "Mookie".
• Plenty of dugout Slimfast.
• Put an on-deck circle in Madonna's bed.
• More games against the Mets.

The Center for Opponent Neutralization (C.O.N.)
Tonya Harding Presents...

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