Situations — most viewed jokes

A scientist had been keeping a secret for over two decades -- he had sucessfully cloned a human being.

He kept meticulous records, raising the clone-child in his laboratory until it was an adult. Then he made his plans to unveil his creation at a meeting of top scientists, held in the luxurious facilities of a high-rise hotel.

When the time for his presentation came, the scientist stepped to the podium. He presented his data -- his pictures, his charts, his graphs -- to an amazed audience. But suddenly, instead of waiting for his cue to come forward, the clone stood up where he'd been sitting, and started shouting at the scientists assembled there.

This clone was an imaginative clone. He used language that would make a sailor blush, accusing his creator and all of his colleagues of the most amazing feats of perversion and vice.

Trying to regain control, the scientist ushered the clone out of the room and up to the roof of the hotel, where he hoped the clone's shouts would go unheard.

The clone would not listen to reason. He attacked the scientist's parentage, his sister, his mother....

Finally, the scientist snapped. He could bear it no longer. He rushed forward and with a mighty shove, pushed his creation off the roof of the hotel.

The police arrived promptly and arrested the scientist for making an obscene clone fall.

Bob received a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realized the seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field!

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50-yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him:

- Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?

The man said:

- No.

Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the man next to him:

- This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?!

The man replied:

- Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967.

- That's really sad - said Bob.

- but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?

- No - the man replied.

- they're all at the funeral!

- Motor Trend never mentioned a "Chevrolet Caca."

- Manufactured in Zchkynk, Crzyktjkystan.

- Passenger-side "airbag" is actually Rush Limbaugh crammed inside your glove box.

- Two Words: Pontiac Sunkist

- Changing the pre-set radio stations voids the warranty.

- Oil spills on your driveway prompt a visit from Greenpeace.

- Car has spent more time on "60 Minutes" than on the road.

- Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity.

- Turn on the wipers and two guys climb out of the trunk with squeegees.

- Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity.

- Bicycle pump required to inflate airbags.

- "Jaws of Life" in trunk.

- The hood ornament? An ostrich with its head in the sand.

- When you sit behind the wheel, a nerdy billionaire voice asks, "Where do you want to go today?"

- You realize too late that it is your father's Oldsmobile.

- Ralph Nader's home phone number written on dashboard.

- The telltale green-and-yellow-make-blue Zip-Lok seals on your air bags.

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor. While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.

When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said:

- This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important.

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said:

- We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important.

The police said:

- It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important.

"Well, who was it?"

"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."

- Why doesn't this restaurant have any specials?

- Because nothing about this food is special.

Ever since man crawled out of the primordial ooze, he has built himself structures to contain the processes of bodily waste removal. These have been known as "restrooms," "bathrooms," "outhouses," "commodes," "men's rooms," and several other names.

As with any exclusive organization, wholly half the human race aren't allowed through the door, and a number of exceedingly complicated customs have arisen to maintain a sense of order and dignity.

General rules

1. Don't talk to somebody you don't know. You may chat quietly with an acquaintance, but must absolutely not call attention to yourself.
2. A quick glance in the mirror is permissible, but absolutely don't spend a significant time arranging hair, clothing, etc. Zit popping is only permissible after checking to see nobody else is around.
3. No profanity of any kind. This is reserved for locker rooms, only.
4. If you must wait, form a single-file line, ragged, and be sure to keep looking around. Read graffiti.

Graffiti rules

5. All graffiti is anonymous. If there's any chance somebody can trace your graffiti back to you, don't do it.
6. Writing graffiti in the open section of the bathroom is only acceptable if nobody can see you. Writing in the stalls is similarly acceptable.
7. If the bathroom is sufficiently public, feel free to insult different ethnic/racial/sexual groups. If the bathroom is used by a small few, restraint comments to amusing anecdotes or chit-chat about secretaries. If visiting dignitaries from other companies or the government may tend to use the bathroom, graffiti is forbidden.
8. Traditionally, all pictures feature women in various states of undress. Modern standards often include portions of male anatomy, discretely placed. Homosexual graffiti is generally frowned upon but is gaining popularity.
9. Pictures must only be drawn in toilet stalls.
10. Any sufficiently interesting graffiti will be painted over by the management of the bathroom.

Urinal rules

11. Given a string of unoccupied urinals, you must choose one on the outside. When one outside urinal is occupied, use the other side, then middle. Avoid standing directly next to somebody at all costs.

For example, given seven urinals, here are acceptable configurations (X = occupied, . = empty):
X......
X.....
X X..
X..
X X.X.X.X
XXX.
X.X
XXX
XXXXXXX
These are only acceptable when significant "privacy" dividers are available. If the urinals aren't divided, use a toilet.

12. Always look at the wall. Looking down means you're obsessed or don't know what you're doing. Looking at other people is threatening.
13. Flushing is optional. Over time, the water will become a rich orange. At this point, flushing is mandatory.
14. Don't start unzipping until you're protected by the privacy of the urinal. Don't step back until you've closed your pants again.

Toilet rules

15. Reduce noise at all costs. Grunting is not acceptable.
16. Always flush.
17. When you find an unflushed toilet, leave it alone and use another.

Special cases

18. Some university dormitories have co-ed bathrooms. New rules apply for dealing with the females.
    a. Never, ever, comment on how they look in the morning.
    b. Don't ask what the little wastebasket is for.
    c. If urinals are present, only use them when absolutely no females are around. If you are noticed by a female, try your best to ignore her presence until you're dressed again.
19. Port-O-Let's and similar constructions are evil. Use them only if absolutely no other option is available.
20. In the woods, far from civilization, restrooms typically aren't available. Get behind sufficient growth so that you are completely invisible to the remainder of your party before you begin. Check carefully that you aren't near any sort of animal or insect den. Ants are especially bad. If you forgot toilet paper, bring a leaf identifying guide. Poison oak makes a poor substitute.

Dear God: Yesterday was an awful day for me...
My husband ran off with his secretary,
My son pierced his eyebrow,
My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her head,
My dog mated with the neighbors cat,
My neighbor sold her house to a mental institution,
My Mom told me I was adopted,
My Dad told me he's gay,
My boss told me I was laid off,
My sister was arrested for prostitution,
My house has termites,
My car was stolen,
All that came in the mail was bills,
A plane, crash landed on my garage,
OJ Simpson came to my door selling rug cleaner,
And my TV blew.

Lord, please be with me today.

I was able to live through all that misery yesterday.

And I will be able to make it through anything today! But please....

DON'T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER!!!!!

AMEN

A programmer enters an elevator, wanting to go to the 12th floor.
So, he pushes 1, then he pushes 2, and starts looking for the Enter....

True story: A friend's mom was driving in Canada. She was going through a park area. She sped up. Suddenly, she was pulled over by a park ranger. She decided to see if she could be cute and get herself out of a speeding ticket. When the officer approached her car, she asked innocently:

- Gee, officer, did you pull me over to give me a ticket to the policemen's ball?

To that, he replied:

- No ma'am. We're Rangers! We don't have any balls! He continued to write down some information.

After about a half a minute, the ranger looked up, turned red, and muttered:

- Never mind. He closed his ticket book, got in his car, and drove off - no ticket was issued.

- This fish isn't as good as what I ordered here last month.

- That's funny. It's from the same fish.

What do you call 13 witches in a hot tub?
→ A self cleaning coven!