Situations — most viewed jokes

- What's wrong with these eggs I ordered?

- Don't ask me. I only laid the table.

- Waiter, waiter, this lobster's only got one claw.

- It must have been in a fight, sir.

- Then bring me the winner.

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.

Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.

The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.

The old-timer says:

- Look at me. I'm old and worn out.

- You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley.

- I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France.

The new man asked:

- What happened?

- One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, an hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks:

- So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?

The pirate replies:

- We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept over board into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.

- Wow! - said the seaman.

- What about your hook?

- Well... - replied the pirate.

- We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords when one of the enemy cut my hand off.

- Incredible! - remarked the seaman.

- How did you get the eye patch?

- A seagull dropping fell into my eye - replied the pirate.

- You lost your eye to a seagull dropping? - the sailor asked increduously.

- Well... - said the pirate.

- ..it was also my first day with the hook.

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said:

- MAN, That is the ugliest baby I've EVER seen!

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and started getting really worked up.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

- The bus driver insulted me! - she fumed.

The man sympathized and said:

- Hey! He's a public servant and he shouldn't say things to insult the passengers.

- You're right! - she said.

- I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.

- That's a good idea - the man said.

- Here, let me hold your monkey!

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.

Stud Tires Out
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails Veterinarian Takes Over
Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
British Left Waffles on Falkland islands
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

These are supposedly actual signs that have been found in and around parts of England.

Seen at the side of a Sussex road: SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.
Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME
Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.
Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER
Notice in a dry cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.
Sign on motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS.
Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

- That crust on the apple pie was too tough.

- That wasn't the crust, that was the pie plate.

- Waiter, I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.

- I'm sorry, sir, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?

Everybody knows there are different opinions to everything. Here are some:

- A smoking section in a restaraunt is like a peeing section in a pool.

- Always look on the negative side, so you'll never be dissapointed.

- Men are like snow storms, you never know how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.