Situations — most viewed jokes

10. "Lie Your Sweet Ass Off And Become A Millionaire"
11. "Choking Coaches For The Soul" by Latrell Sprewell
12. "Combing! The Revolutionary New Way To Adjust Your Hair"
13. "How To Win Friends And Influence People In The Bus Station Men's Room"
14. "If You Want To Lose Weight, Just Stop Eating, You Fat Cow"
15. "George Michael's Do-It-Yourself Handbook"
16. "Five Simple Steps To Reducing All Human Problems To An Over-Generalized Formula"
17. "8 Weeks To A Sweatier You"
18. "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, At Least One Teletubby Is From The West Village"
19. "It's Hopeless" by Jack Kevorkian

Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

- I'm sorry sir - the first trooper told the driver - but I am still going to have to write you a ticket.

Amazed, the driver asked for what.

The trooper replied:

- Tacks evasion.

What happened to the witch with an upside down nose?
→ Every time she sneezed her hat blew off.

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments:

- You look terrible. What's the problem?

- My mother died in June, and left me $10,000.

- Gee, that's tough.

- Then in July, my father died, leaving me $50,000.

- Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed.

- And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.

- Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.

- Then this month, nothing!

During the month of June and July. Here in the panhandle it got pretty hot in this area. In Fact people were even overworking in the heat. So one day I was working outside in the heat and then i thought i better get inside. My Boss asked me where i was going and i told him i am going inside to cool down.
He said that i better get back to work. I said i cant, he said how come.? Because it is so hot out here that i have to go inside to change my mind.

A postcard home: The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.

- Waiter! - shouted the furious diner:

- How dare you serve me this!

- There's a damn TWIG in my soup!

- My apologies - said the waiter.

- I'll inform the branch manager.

- Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

- Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

- Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

- Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

- You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

- Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

- My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

- Every time I think about exercise, I lie down till the thought goes away.

- God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.

- It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

- If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

- Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it "Closed for remodeling." Caution - Leave air holes.

- I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

- There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.

- The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

- The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

- The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.

- The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

- Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

Tips for Moving South...

Yee-Haw!

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.
3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6. Do not buy food at the movie store.
7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
11. People walk slower here.
12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
15. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
21. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
22. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
23. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
24. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
25. In southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All Glory, Laud and Honor". You will also hear expressions such as, "Laud, Have mercy", "Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".
26. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
27. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees, rocks, and where buildings used to stand, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

Two men were in a restaurant and ordered fish. The waiter brought a dish with two fish, one larger than the other. One of the men said to the other, "Please help yourself." The other one said "Okay", and helped himself to the larger fish. After a tense silence, the first one said, "really, now, if you had offered me the first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish!" The other one replied, "What are you complaining for; you have it, don't you?"