Situations — most viewed jokes

Mister Smith rushes into the maternity ward, "What's wrong? What's the emergency?"

- Oh, Mister Smith, your child was just born and I have some terrible news for you. It's disfigured.

- Well, how bad is it? Can I see?

- Follow me, sir.

They head down a restricted corridor and come to the first door. Inside, in the respirator, is a newborn child without arms.

Mister Smith is upset, "Oh my God! How terrible to be born this way!"

The nurse interrupts, "No Mister Smith, that isn't your child. Follow me, please."

They come to another room and there lies a newborn with no arms OR legs.

Mister Smith cries, "Oh dear God! What could be worse than this?"

- No mister Smith, that's not your child. Follow me.

Next room down, Smith looks in. This kid is only a head. No body at all.

- Oh my God! How awful! What could be worse than this?

- Not your child, sir. Follow me.

One more room left in the hall. Mister Smith forces himself to enter. There on a pillow is a single huge ear.

- This is your child, Mister Smith.

Smitty goes nuts, "Oh Lord! What could possibly be worse than this!? But... It's still my son. I will talk to him, I will amuse him with bed-time stories. I will sing him lullabies..."

- Sir, it's deaf.

Many folks have written with perfectly plausible explanations about why merchants take my phone number on a credit card charge. What these fail to address, however, is that if I'm perpetrating a fraud in the use of this credit card, I'm not about to give out a correct phone number. They make no effort to validate the phone number before I leave, so what they're doing is collecting the phone numbers of a bunch of honest people.

Now then... Why are they collecting the phone numbers of a bunch of honest people?

I once asked why you are asked for your phone number when using your charge cards. The clerk explained that theives have been caught because they stupidly put down THEIR home phone number, not the phone number of the person who "owned" the card.

- Policeman: I'm afraid that I'm going to have to lock you up for the night.

- Man: What's the charge?

- Policeman: Oh, there's no charge. It's all part of the service

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are you callin' from?"

The odds of winnning the California lottery by matching all six numbers are 14 times greater than the odds of being struck by lightening, according to Lottery magazine. the figure drops to nine times greater in New Jersey, six times greater in Pennsylvania, and four times greater in Connecticut.

One day, a fellow went for a ride through the park on his bicycle.

The following day, a friend asked him if he would like to do it again.

He replied, "No thanks, I'm not into recycling."

Scene: A courtroom where a witness is testifying in a case involving a man biting off the ear of another man during a fight. After supplying testimony which was very bad for the defendant, the witness was being cross examined by the defendant's attorney.

- Attorney: You said that you saw the defendant and the plaintiff in a fight?

- Witness: Yes.

- Attorney: You then said that you were concerned for your safety and that, because of this concern, you sought shelter elsewhere?

- Witness: Yes.

- Attorney: You further stated that during this time of seeking shelter, you turned your back to the fight at hand?

- Witness: Yes.

- Attorney: And THEN you testified that that was when the defendant bit off the plaintiff's ear??!!

- Witness: Yes.

- Attorney: Well, that makes for an interesting question then! If your back was turned to the fight then you obviously MUST have had the plaintiff and the defendant out of your field of vision, correct?

- Witness: Yes, correct.

- Attorney: Well then, did you SEE the defendant bite off the plaintiff's ear?

- Witness: No.

- Attorney: (Smugly) THEN HOW DO YOU "KNOW" THAT THE DEFENDANT BIT OFF THE EAR OF THE PLAINTIFF IF YOU DID NOT SEE HIM DO IT??!!

- Witness: I saw him spit it out.

(Dead Silence)

- Attorney: No more questions.

Patterson, New Jersey:
When 60-year-old Al Asbaty returned to his car after shopping, he was startled to find that thousands of bees were building a hive inside his Oldsmobile.

Due to the sunny and warm weather, he had left the windows rolled down, allowing a queen bee to fly in, followed by about 20,000 of her most faithful servants.

Just as one of Asbaty's relatives was about to spray the inside of the car with a can of insecticide, police bee expert Tom Fuscalo arrived and managed to coax the insects into an artificial hive.

In July, Danny Fouts and his wife and her sister, in New York City to appear on the "Sally Jessy Raphael" show to discuss their arrest for shoplifting their wedding supplies on their wedding day in March, were arrested for stealing from the New York Ramada Hotel the TV show had booked them in for their stay.

An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when she suddenly had to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with her deodorizer.

Two floors later a gentleman got onto the elevator.

He began to sniff.

The Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?"

"Why, yes, I do," he replied.

"What does it smell like?"

"Hmmm, I'm not sure, but it kind of smells like someone shit in a pine tree."