Situations — most viewed jokes

The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and a farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas insurance agent.

- Attorney: At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?

- Farmer: That's right.

- Attorney: Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?

- Farmer: When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life.

For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. It's a classic! In tribute to those 'special' customers we all love! An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you."

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

LOS ANGELES TIMES, September 14:
According to a database maintained by Academic Guidance Services, there are 3,000 scholarships earmarked for golf caddies, newspaper carriers, glee clubbers, and band members.

Juanita College in Pennsylvania gives grants to needy left-handers.

Parents whose children were born on June 12, 1979 can plan ahead to apply for a scholarship to the Rochester Institute of Technology in honor of the school's 150th anniversary.

Bucknell University gives grants to students who do not use alcohol, tobacco, or narcotics and don't engage in strenuous activities.

A judge in Seattle uses the fines he collects from prostitutes to finance scholarships for their reformed sisters who want to return to school.

This is a story about four people named Everbody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everbody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

One day two blind men started fighting.

Pretty soon a crowd surrounded them.

Then one of the members of the crowd yelled out "I bet 10 bucks on the one with the knife."

Both men ran away.

A young man was staying on a farm with his uncle and aunt for the summer. One morning the aunt and uncle walked in the kitchen and the young man was drinking an extremely large glass of milk. The young man said "I took the liberty of milking your cow this morning!" He then continues and says "it took me a while to get her started up. She must be old and stubbly." The uncle says with a confused look "Um son we don't have a cow...

We have a bull!"

A young man was walking into town one day when a wood hauler gave him a ride.

After traveling about a mile or two, the truck was stopped by the highway patrol for a weight check and inspection.

The truck inspection revealed the truck had slick tires; no horn; no head, tail or signal lights; no windshield wipers. Also, it was overloaded and had bad brakes.

"Mister," the patrolman said to the driver, "I think the best way to charge you is 'hauling wood without a truck.'"

A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his trunk! He runs around and yells, "Hey, bud, this is my car!" "OK," the man says, "You take the front and I`ll take the back."

This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

You know your from Manitoba, Canada, when....

• You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.
• You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
• The mosquitoes have landing lights.
• You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
• You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.
• Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
• You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
• You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
• Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
• You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
• The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports.
• At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
• The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
• Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
• You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.
• You head south to go to your cottage.
• You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
• You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
• The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo - it's sausage making.
• You find -40C a little chilly.
• The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.
• You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.
• You can play road hockey on skates.
• You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
• The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
• You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Northern friends.