Situations — most viewed jokes

• If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room
• When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late
• Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it
• A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies
• If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes
• A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep
• Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old
• Super glue is forever
• McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know
• No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water
• Pool filters do not like Jello
• VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do
• Always look in the oven before you turn it on
• The fire department in San Jose has at least a 5 minute response time
• The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy
• It will however make cats dizzy
• Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy

A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is a total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"

"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer".

"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"

"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."

This guy was driving down the highway and was pulled over by the cops. The cop asked the man for his name and the guy replied, "Earl."

"You got a last name, Earl?"

"Nope. It's a long story, Officer."

"I got time."

Earl sighs and says, "Well, Officer, at first I was known as Earl Doo-Daa. I was going to school to become a doctor, and I did, so I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, MD. I got bored just being a doctor so I went to dental school, graduated, and became Earl Doo-Daa, M.D., D.D. After a little more time I fooled around with this girl and got VD. So I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, MD, DD, with VD. When the medical board found out about my VD they took away my MD so I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, DD with VD. The dentistry board also found out about the VD and took away my DD making me Earl Doo-Dah with VD. Finally, the VD took away my Doo-Dah so I'm now just Earl."

Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some plasma."

The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"

A lady with a large flowery hat was stopped at the church door by the usher. "Are you a friend of the bride ?" he asked.

"Certainly not," she snapped, "I'm the groom's mother."

A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are to be executed on the same day. The day comes, and they are brought to the gas chamber. The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last request, to which the cowboy replies, "Ah shore do, wardn. Ah'd be mighty grateful if'n yoo'd play 'Achy Breaky Heart' fur me bahfore ah hafta go."

"Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that," says the warden. He turns to the biker, "And you, biker, what's your last request?"

"That you kill me first."

The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.

MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."

WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands corrected as follows: "For sale R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!

Murphy's Laws of Martial Arts

Ten scientific principles that apply to the study of all martial arts:

• The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when you're up against him.
• The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.
• The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the sensei will be sick.
• The sensei will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques.
• If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attacker's father will be a lawyer.
• After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat.
• After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam.
• In an otherwise vacant locker room, the only other person will have the locker right next to yours.
• No matter how many times you take care of it before your promotion exam, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom when it's your turn.

An American tourist is visiting China. After visiting all the tourist attractions he decides to inquire about the people and askes his guide: "How large is the population here?"

"Around 1.5 billion" -- the guide answers.

American, after a short pause: "So, what else do you do here?"

I am always getting those return address labels from charities wanting money.

The other day, I got one from an Alzheimer's group. Funny though, they forgot to put my street name on them!