Situations — most viewed jokes

Definitions of A Diplomat:

• Always knows what to talk about, but doesn't always talk about what he knows.
• Always tries to settle problems created by other diplomats.
• Can always make himself misunderstood.
• Can bring home the bacon without spilling the beans.
• Can convince his wife not to hide her nice body under a floor-length sable.
• Can convince his wife to show off her new coat in a bus rather than in a taxi.
• Can juggle a hot potato long enough for it to become a cold issue.
• Can keep his shirt on while getting something off his chest.
• Can look happy when he has unexpected dinner guests.
• Can make his wife believe she will look fat in a mink coat.
• Can make nothing sound like something.
• Can put his best foot forward when he doesn't have a leg to stand on.
• Can put his foot down without stepping on someone's toes.
• Can say the nastiest things in the nicest way.
• Can tell a man he's open-minded when he means he has a hole in his head.
• Can tell you to go to hell so tactfully that you look forward to the trip.
• Comes right out and says what he thinks when he agrees with you.
• Divides his time between running for office and running for cover.
• Has a straightforward way of dodging issues.
• Knows how far to go before he goes too far.
• Lets you do all the talking while he gets what he wants.
• Never tells a woman how nice she looks in a gown. He tells her how nice the gown looks on her.
• Puts his cards on the table, but still has some up each sleeve.
• Straddles an issue whenever he isn't dodging one.
• Will approach every question with an open mouth.
• Will lay down your life for his country.
• Will refuse to answer any question on the ground it might eliminate him.

A police officer saw a man dressed as a cowboy in the street, complete with huge stetson hat, spurs, and six shooters.

- Excuse me, sir, who are you?

- My name's Tex, officer.

- Tex, eh? Are you from Texas?

- Nope, Louisiana.

- Louisiana? So why are you called Tex?

- Don't want to be called Louise, do I?

It was Rocky's first night in the penitentiary. All of the inmates were in their cells and he was trying to become a bit more comfortable with his meager surroundings. As he leaned against the bars at the front of his cell, Rocky heard a voice call out "44" and the whole cell block erupted into laughter! Another voice called "16" and again there was laughter. A third voice called "62" which was followed by laughter throughout the block.

Rocky didn't know what was going on so he rapped on his cell wall.

"Yeah, whaddaya want?" came the gruff reply from next door.

"What's going on, here?" asked Rocky.

"Well," said the other inmate, "down in the prison library there's only one joke book. We've all read the book so many times that we don't waste time telling the joke, we just call out it's number."

So the next day Rocky went down to the library and, sure enough, found the yellowed, dog-eared joke book and read it from cover to cover. That night, wanting to be part of the group, Rocky confidently called out "44" and everyone laughed! He tried calling "16" and "62" and again there were peals of laughter. Then he called "57," and the halls rang with laughter.

After several minutes, one prisoner was still rolling on the floor laughing. More minutes - still laughing. Rocky rapped on the cell wall. "Yeah, waddaya want?" asked the other inmate.

"I don't understand it," asked Rocky, "Why is Bill still laughing?"

"Well," said the gruff inmate, "He never heard that one before!"

A Roadway driver is driving east on Route 66 he sees a truck driving west and the CB crackles to life.

"Hey Roadway driver whos the two biggest poofs in America?" comes from the CB.

The Roadway driver replies. "I don't know".

The other trucker says "You and your brother".

Well the Roadway driver gets all annoyed but the other driver tells him "Its just a joke - tell it to the next truck you see."

Well the Roadway driver drives for about an hour an finally sees another truck. He gets on the CB and says "Hey other truck do you know who the two biggest poofs in the world are?"

The other trucker says "I don't know who?"

The roadway driver replies "Me and my brother"

If you watch the way that many motorists drive you will soon reach the conclusion that the most dangerous part of a car is the nut behind the wheel.

Ten Recruits had just arrived at the training camp and were lined up for inspection.

"Hey johnson!" yelled the drill instructor, "those are the ugliest shoes i've ever seen!"

"Yes, sir," the young man answered.

"Those shoes are really really ugly, right?" hollered the D.I again.

"Yes, sir!"

"And that hair- dont they have barbershops where you came from?"

"Yes, sir," answered the recruit.

"So why didnt you get a haircut?"

"I was saving up for shoes, sir!"

- That tornado damage your cow barn any?

- Dunno. Haven't found the durn thing yet!

Did you ever see a country boy in New York whistle for a cab? He puts two fingers in his mouth and hollers, "Taxi!"

Three cowboys of the world are sitting around camp talking about how tough they were and the tales kept getting bigger and bigger.
The cowboy from Australia says, "I wrestled a 200 pound crocodile and made it cry like a baby."

The Cowboy from Brazil shakes his head and says, "I killed a 400 pound steer with my bare hands."

The Cowboy from Texas just smiled and kept stirring the campfire with his leg.

Who do zombie cowboys fight?
→ Deadskins.