Situations — most viewed jokes

A San Francisco motorist following a taillight in a dense fog crashed into the car ahead of him when it stopped suddenly.

"Why didn't you let me know you were going to stop?" he yelled into the mist.

"Why should I?" came a voice out of the fog. "I'm in my own garage!"

What do you call a man who cleans out toilets?
→ Lou!

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community.... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."

The eastern lady who was all ready to take a horseback ride said to the cowboy, "Can you get me a nice gentle pony?" "Shore," said the cowboy. "What kind of a saddle do you want, English or western?" "What's the difference?" asked the lady. "The western saddle has a horn on it," said the cowboy. "If the traffic is so thick here in the mountains that I need a horn on my saddle, I don't believe I want to ride."

Who do zombie cowboys fight?
→ Deadskins.

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.

Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.

Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.

The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers.

Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.

"What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank. "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze."

Matt replies, "And we weren't?"

- Brother: Did you put the cat out?

- Sister: Why, is it on fire?

You know you're drinking too much coffee when...

• You answer the door before people knock.
• Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
• You ski uphill.
• You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
• You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
• You lick your coffeepot clean.
• You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
• Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
• You chew on other people's fingernails.
• Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
• You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet.
• You can jump-start your car without cables.
• Cocaine is a downer.
• All your kids are named "Joe".
• You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
• Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
• You don't sweat, you percolate.
• You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
• You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
• You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
• You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
• You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
• You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
• People get dizzy just watching you.
• You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
• The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
• Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
• Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
• Instant coffee takes too long.
• When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
• You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
• Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
• You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
• You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
• You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running.
• You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
• You short out motion detectors.
• You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
• Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
• You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
• You don't tan, you roast.
• You can't even remember your second cup.
• You help your dog chase its tail.

Did you hear about the two little boys who found themselves in a modern art gallery by mistake?
→ 'Quick,' said one, 'run! Before they say we did it!'

After the college boy delivered the pizza to Bud's trailer house, Bud asked, "What is the usual tip?"

"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."

"Is that so?" snorted Bud. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."

"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."

"What are you studying?" asked Bud.

The lad smiled and said, "Applied psychology."