Situations — most viewed jokes

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self-pitying.

She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!"

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."

Seems a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and splat... he flattened the cat.
Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the housewife came to the door, said he, "Pardon me, madame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but I wanted to let you know instead of just driving off...."

"Not so fast", says she. "How do you know it was our cat? Could you describe him? What does he look like?"

The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said "He looks like thts" as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.

"Oh no, you horrible man", she replied. "I meant, what did he look like before you hit him?"

At that, the man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed "Agggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!"

A man walks into a palm reader store and asks the reader, "Could you read my palm?" He shows his hand to her, and she says, "But... I can't read your hand."
"Why?" the man asks.
"I don't understand your handwriting," the woman replies.

I put a blank cassette tape in my tape stereo last night and turned the volume all the way up....the mime next door went nuts!

Little miss muffet... sat on her tuffet... eating her kurds and way.

Along came a spider, who sat down beside her, and said: "hey, whatsin the bowl bitch?!"

• I'm out of estrogen. I have a gun.
• Guys have feelings, too. But like... who cares?
• I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
• Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
• I hate everybody, and you're next.
• Please don't make me kill you.
• And your point is ...
• I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
• I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
• Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
• Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.
• You KNOW you want me.
• Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time.
• Of course I don't look busy. I did it right the first time.
• Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
• I'm multitalented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time.
• Do NOT start with me. You won't win.
• You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
• All stressed out and no one to choke.
• I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
• How can I miss you if you won't go away?
• Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
• If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
• Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.
• Don't make me mad. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
• Objects Under This Shirt ARE Larger Than They Appear.

Did you hear about the Texan who moved to Oklahoma and raised the IQ level of both states?

I don't know where you got your face from, but I hope you have the receipt.

Some actual product warning labels:

• On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. (duh!)
• On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
• In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Makes sense...except these instructions we're IN THE BOX!)
• In some countries (like W. Virginia:), on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.
• On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING. ( Now THAT I'd like to see! )
• On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)
• On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)
• On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on BOTTOM of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (oops... Too late! You lose!)
• On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
• On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)
• On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to what...use in outer space?)
• On an American Airlines packet of nuts - INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm sure glad they cleared that up.)
• On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)
• On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

- How much for a haircut?

- Barber: Fifteen dollars.

- How much for a shave?

- Barber: Ten dollars.

- Right - shave my head.