Situations — most viewed jokes

Did you hear about the sister who wrote herself a letter and forgot to sign it and when it arrived she didn't know who it was from.

After a visit to the circus, Geoff and Don were discussing the thrills and marvels they had seen. "I didn't think much of the knife thrower, did you?" said Geoff. "I thought he was great!" enthused Don. "Well, I didn't," said Geoff. "He kept throwing those knives at that soppy girl but he didn't hit her once."

After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks, and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son. I brought my selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register. "Cash or charge?" the clerk asked.

"Cash," I snapped.

Then, apologizing for my rudeness, I explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau."

"Shall I giftwrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going back there?"

Some things I've learned from my children:

• Super glue is forever.
• No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. Pool filters do not like Jell-O!
• A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
• Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
• Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
• If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of 20 by 20 foot room.
• You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. And the glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
• Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
• VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.
• Always look in the oven before you turn it on. It's been proven that plastic toys do not like ovens.
• Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
• If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
• The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the hell she is!

The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up?

I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I don't jog...it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid." The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness.

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," he says.

"That's cool" says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.

Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds "why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby - so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY! ...

IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.

For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.

Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.

Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.

Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"

The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.

I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".

"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?

"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.

Why don't ghosts make good magicians?
→ You can see right through their tricks.