Random joke from this category
There are a lot of folks that can't understand how we ran out of oil here in the USA.
Well, here's the answer: It's simple.........nobody bothered to check the oil. Didn't know we were getting low. And of course the reason for that is geographical. Most of the oil is in Texas and Oklahoma, and all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.
A man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?"
"No," says the cop.
"What about all these other cars?"
"They didn't ask!"
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything.
This, surely, would impress him.
He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell.
The dog responded and jumped into the water.
The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it. The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."
The big game hunter was showing his friends his hunting trophies. Drawing their attention to a lion skin rug on the floor he said, "I shot this fellow in Africa. Didn't want to kill such a magnificent beast, of course, but it was either him or me." "Well," said a guest, "he certainly makes a much better rug than you would!"
A funeral procession was winding it's way to the cemetery on top of the hill outside town, when the hearse hit a bump.
The coffin was bumped loose, fell out onto the road and began sliding back toward town. (It was a steep hill) It slid faster and faster. Finally, it reached the town and was skidding its way down Main St.
Suddenly, at one intersection, the coffin hit a curb, flew onto the sidewalk, smashed through the front glass window of the pharmacy, and slammed up against the prescription counter.
The lid popped off, the corpse sat up and said.. "You got anything to stop this coffin?"
A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman manages to bull his way into a woman's home in a rural area.
"This machine is the best ever," he exclaims, whilst pouring a bag of dirt over the lounge floor.
The woman says she's really worried it may not all come off, so the salesman says, "If this machine doesn't remove all the dust completely, I'll lick it off myself."
"Do you want ketchup on it?" she says, "we're not connected for electricity yet!"
When a small Montana village decided to buy a new fire truck, the town council met to decide what to do with the old one.
Randall, an old rancher, stood up. "Ah think we should keep the old truck," he said.
"We can use it for all them false alarms!"
What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
→ Carry loaded weapons.
A friend of mine was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission.
Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.
After several days, the phone company was again contacted and told that there was no longer a rush.
The phone was now working fine--except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call.
A repairman arrived within the hour!
