Situations — most viewed jokes

What did the wife say to the undertaker when he started hitting his broken down car?
→ Stop beating a dead hearse!

Why were the ghosts wet and tired?
→ They had just dread-ged the lake.

Tarzan was tired when he came home.
"What have you been doing?" asked Jane.
"Chasing a herd of elephants on vines."
"Really?" said Jane. "I thought elephants stayed on the ground!"

What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?
→ A blonde going through a flashing red light.

A woman called in a repairman to fix her television. Just as he finished, the woman heard her husband's key in the lock. "Hurry," she said to the repairman, "you'll have to hide. My husband is insanely jealous."

There was no time to run out the back door, so the repairman hid inside the TV console. The husband came in and plopped down in his favorite chair to watch some football. Inside the TV, the repairman was all squished up and getting hotter and hotter. Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore. He climbed out, marched across the room and out the front door.

The husband looked at the TV set, looked at his wife, looked back at the set again and said, "I didn't see the referee send that guy off the field, did you?"

This guy runs home and bursts in yelling "Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery!!"

She says "Oh wonderful, should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"

He replies "I don't care...
Just get the heck out!!"

Rigby drove into the city with his girl to catch their first play at a theater.

Rigby rushed up to the box office and said, "Gimme two tickets for tonight's show."

"Sorry," said the box office attendant. "There are no seats left. We have only two standing rooms left."

"Well, I'll be hog tied! Only two left in standing room!" said the farm boy. "Are they together?"

A girl walked over to her neighbor's for her morning chat session. When she got there, her neighbor remarked how tired she looked.

"Yeah" she said, "I didn't sleep well last night, I had this really strange dream."

"Do tell" said her neighbor, pouring the coffee.

"Well, I dreamed I woke up and went downstairs as usual, but when I looked in the mirror my face had turned orange, and my hair was sticking straight up out of my head and was green!"

"Sounds like you turned into a punk rocker or something" the neighbor said, with a grin.

"No" she said, "It wasn't like that. It was as if I knew something was wrong, but it seemed normal somehow, you know what I mean?"

"Sure" said the neighbor, "Everybody's had dreams like that."

"Well anyway" she continued, "I decided to go down and get the mail, because even in my dream, I figured I must be dreaming, so what the heck if I was orange, you know? So I walk down and get my mail, and I keep feeling everybody looking at me!

"Then I get a good look at myself in the big window in front of the store, and I'll be darned if I wasn't a carrot! It was such a shock I stumbled backwards and got hit by a truck driven by that nice doctor down the street. The last thing I remember before I woke up was him bending over me, telling me his diagnosis."

"Wow" laughed the neighbor, "Did you live?"

"Yeah, I lived" sighed the girl, "But the doctor said I'd be a vegetable the rest of my life."

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor...

"I feel real good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five dollar bill to a bum."

"You mean you gave a bum five dollars? That's a lot of money to give away like that. What did you husband say about it?"

"Oh, he thought it was the thing to do. He said, "Thanks."

15 actual announcements taken from church bulletins:

1. Don't let worry kill you- let the church help.
2. Thursday night- potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery upstairs.
5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7. Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
8. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
9. Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
15. At the evening service tonight the sermon topic will be "What is hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.