Sex Jokes — most viewed jokes

The brash young gynecologist, fresh out of medical school, took one look at his voluptuous new patient and abandoned his professional ethics entirely. As he stroked the supple skin of her naked body, he asked, "Do you understand what I am doing?"

"Yes," the patient answered. "You're checking for dermatological abrasions."

"Correct," the doctor lied.

Next, he fondled her breasts long and lovingly. Again, he inquired, "Do you understand what I am doing?"

"You're feeling for cancerous lumps," she ventured.

"Very astute," the doctor complimented, getting more excited. He placed the woman's feet in stirrups, dropped his pants, and slipped his member inside her.

"And do you understand what I am doing now?"

"All too well," the patient shot back. "You're contracting herpes!"

"Oh doctor," moaned the woman to the psychiatrist. "Everyone calls me a nymphomaniac!"

"I understand," said the shrink. "But I'll be able to take better notes if you'll let go of my cock!"

Two young couples marry the same day and, being all friends, leave together for honeymoon to stay at the same Hotel in Venice, door to door.

The next morning, the two brand new husbands step out on their balconies to have a breath of fresh air.

- So? How was it going last night? C'mon, tell me! How's your wife?

- Uhh, fine I guess, she's lying on the bed smoking.

- Jesus! My wife just got a bit sore...

What do you call a prostitute with her hand down her panties?
→ Self-employed!

They say that men only think about sex. That's not exactly true.

They also care a lot about power, world domination, money, and beer.

Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring.

"Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony.

Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I do," said Irving.

"Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"

"That's easy...just keep her in the waiting room for 59 minutes!"

Did you hear about the dimwit who went to visit his girlfriend and found she didn't have very much on?

He went back nine months later and she had a little moron.

The Madam opens the brothel door to see an elderly man standing in the doorway. His clothes are all dishevelled and he looks...well, "needy". "Can I help you?" the Madam asks. "I want Natalie", the old man replies. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps someone else...?"

"No. I want Natalie."

Just then, Natalie appears and tells the old man that she charges $ 1,000 per hour. Without so much as a blink he reaches into his pocket and pulls out ten crisp new $ 100 bills. The two go up to her room for an hour, whereupon he calmly leaves.

The next night the old man appears again demanding Natalie. Natalie explains that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, that there are no discounts and that the rate is still $ 1,000 for one hour. But once again, he takes out the money. The two go up to the room and he calmly leaves an hour later.

When he shows up for the third consecutive night, no one can believe it. Again he hands Natalie the money and up to the room, they go. At the end of the hour, Natalie decides to question the old man. "I'm not used to having the same customer come back three nights in a row. Do you mind if I ask where you're from?"

"I am from Minsk."

"Really", replies Natalie "I have a sister who lives there."

"I know", says the old man. "She gave me $ 3,000 to give to you."

The newlywed couple asked the hotel desk clerk for a room and told him they just got married that morning.

"Congratulations!" said the clerk looking at the bride. "Would you like the bridal then?"

"No thanks," said the woman. "I'll just hold him by the ears until he gets the hang of it!"

The following information was gained through much arduous research involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It consists of the most frequently asked questions of women (i.e. relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their behavior in accordance with the truths established below.

How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
→ Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not as emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.

Should I have sex on the first date?
→ YES. Before if possible.

What exactly happens during the act of sex?
→ Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

How long should the sex act last?
→ This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

What is "after play"?
→ After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "After play" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Does the size of the penis matter?
→ Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.

What about the female orgasm?
→ What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth!