Sex Jokes — most viewed jokes

Why do hunters make the best lovers?
→ Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot.

This guy decides to get a sex change. So he goes to the doctors and has the thing done. A couple of weeks later he was talking to one of his old buddies about it.

- Gee, it must have really hurt when they shot all that silicon into your chest to make your breasts.

- Not really, I hardly felt it.

- Well, it must have really hurt when they chopped off your manhood!

- Nope, I didn't really feel it either. The only thing that really hurt was when they drilled a hole in my skull and sucked out half my brain!

This guy took his nymphomaniac wife to the sex therapist for treatment.

- This is one hot potato of a lady, doctor - he said - Maybe you can do something for her? She goes for any man, any age, any time, anywhere and it is just driving me crazy with jealousy.

- We'll see - the therapist said. He directed the wife into his examining room, closed the door behind her, and told her to get undressed. Then he told her to get up onto the examining table on her stomach.

The moment he touched her buttocks, she began to squirm and moan. It was too much for him to resist, so he climbed up on top of her and began screwing her.

The husband suddenly hears the moans and groans coming from the examination room. Very suspicious, he bursts into the room and is confronted by the sight of the doctor astride his wife and banging away.

- Doctor, what are you doing?!? - he asked.

Flustered, the therapist replied:

- Oh, it's you! I'm only taking your wife's temperature!

The husband pulled out a large pocket knife and began to hone it deliberately on his sleeve.

- Well, doc - he said - when you take that thing out, it better have numbers on it!

- I'm worried - said the woman to her sex therapist.

- I happened to find my daughter and the little boy next door both naked and examining each other's bodies.

- That's not unusual - smiled the therapist.

- I wouldn't worry about it.

- But I am worried, doctor - insisted the woman - and so is my daughter's husband!

Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring.

- Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony.

- Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I do - said Irving.

- Sounds great - Morris replied.

- but how do you make it last for an hour?

- That's easy...just keep her in the waiting room for 59 minutes!

The following information was gained through much arduous research involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It consists of the most frequently asked questions of women (i.e. relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their behavior in accordance with the truths established below.

How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
→ Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not as emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.

Should I have sex on the first date?
→ YES. Before if possible.

What exactly happens during the act of sex?
→ Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

How long should the sex act last?
→ This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

What is "after play"?
→ After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "After play" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Does the size of the penis matter?
→ Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.

What about the female orgasm?
→ What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth!

Why is air a lot like sex?
→ Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a prostitute with her hand down her panties?
→ Self-employed!

The Madam opens the brothel door to see an elderly man standing in the doorway. His clothes are all dishevelled and he looks...well, "needy".

- Can I help you? - the Madam asks.

- I want Natalie - the old man replies.

- Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps someone else...?

- No. I want Natalie.

Just then, Natalie appears and tells the old man that she charges $ 1,000 per hour. Without so much as a blink he reaches into his pocket and pulls out ten crisp new $ 100 bills. The two go up to her room for an hour, whereupon he calmly leaves.

The next night the old man appears again demanding Natalie. Natalie explains that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, that there are no discounts and that the rate is still $ 1,000 for one hour. But once again, he takes out the money. The two go up to the room and he calmly leaves an hour later.

When he shows up for the third consecutive night, no one can believe it. Again he hands Natalie the money and up to the room, they go. At the end of the hour, Natalie decides to question the old man:

- I'm not used to having the same customer come back three nights in a row. Do you mind if I ask where you're from?

- I am from Minsk.

- Really - replies Natalie.

- I have a sister who lives there.

- I know - says the old man.

- She gave me $ 3,000 to give to you.

For their golden anniversary, a couple decides to repeat their honeymoon trip. They drive to the Poconos and find the same romantic lodge is still there. A vibrant young couple, clearly very much in love, is checking in when they arrive.

The husband says:

- I'll just nip around by their window and see what they are doing. We can maybe get some ideas to spice up our 50th year!

Sure enough, through a crack in the curtains he sees the young couple engaged in foreplay. They are naked, sitting on the floor some distance apart with their legs spread. The young man is shooting marbles, aiming to lodge them between her vertical lips; she is tossing doughnuts, aiming to ring them around his erect member. After a few minutes of this, they rush together and make mad tumultuous love like crazed weasels.

The old man is quite excited by this idea, and makes his way back to his eagerly waiting wife. He describes the game, his wife getting more and more aroused herself.

- Darling, this is going to be so good - she says.

- Run right out and get some grapefruit and Lifesavers!