Sex Jokes — most viewed jokes

At 85 years of age, a somewhat senile Morris marries Luanne, a lovely 25-year-old.

Because her new husband is so old, Luanne decides that on their wedding night, she and Morris should have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities, Luanne prepares herself for bed, and for the expected "knock" on the door.

Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of Luanne, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Luanne hears another knock on her bedroom door. It's Morris! And he's again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Luanne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses Luanne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves. Luanne is set to go to sleep again.

However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door, and there he is again... Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for a bit more action. And again they enjoy one another.

As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age, honey, you have enough juice to go at it three times. I've been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once. You're a great lover, Morris!"

Morris, looking somewhat befuddled, turns to Luanne and says...

"WHAT?... You mean I was here already?!"

Advantages of dating older women...

An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night and ask you, "What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you think.

An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.

An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of herbal tea.

An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

Older women can run faster because they're always wearing sensible shoes.

There's no need to be phobic about "committing" to an older woman - the last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent man.

Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an asshole if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her.

Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't help you when you need to start replacing your old fillings.

An older woman will never accuse you of "using her." She's using you!

Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut Take out.

An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get any ideas...

Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they always know.

Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don't wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease.

Older women know what Kegel exercises are.

An older woman will agree to go to McDonald's with you for a meal. Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody that they might possibly boff later.

Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park.

An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on an amusement ride.

An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first.

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."

"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times"

What do you get when you cross a midget with a prostitute?
→ A little fucker about so tall.

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

After the third day of a really torrid honeymoon, the young couple finally emerged from their room and walked into the hotel restaurant. After they were seated, the waiter came over to get their orders. The new husband looked at his bride and said, "You know what I really feel like honey?" "Well sure," she blushed, "But we gotta eat sometime!"

Why can't a ghost have sex??
→ Because he has a hollow weenie!

A bloke wakes up in the middle of the night and rolls over and shoves an aspirin down his wife's throat. All of a sudden she wakes up and yells, "What the fuck are you doing?"

"Just giving you an aspirin for your headache." The bloke answered.

"But I ain't got a headache," she yelled back.

"Good then, Lets fuck!" said the bloke.

What is a more macho man?
→ At the critical moment when he can't get it up, he asks the woman, 'Does this happen to you often?'