Sex Jokes — most viewed jokes

• Connorsvill, Wisconsin: It is illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm.
• Willowdale, Oregon: It is illegal for husbands to curse during sex.
• Oblong, Illinois: It is punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day. (Trust me if a man takes his wife fishing on their wedding day, he has an even bigger problem.)
• Alexandria, Minnesota: No man is allowed to make love with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath.
• Ames, Iowa: A man cannot have more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife, girlfriend, or significant other--- or holding her in his arms.
• Bozeman, Montana: Has a law banning all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown -- if they are nude.
• Newcastle, Wyoming: An ordinance specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in-meat freezer.
• Illinois: A state law mandates that all bachelors should be called "master," not "mister," when addressed by their female counterparts.
• Norfolk, Virginia: A woman could not go out without wearing a corset. There was even a civil-service job, only for men, called "corset inspector."
• Merryville, Missouri: Women are prohibited from wearing corsets because the "privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male." (This one either makes me want to stand up and scream, "Hallelujah!" or puke.)
• Helena, Montana: Law mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.
• Carlsbad, New Mexico: It's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break, as long as the vehicle has curtains drawn to discourage peeping Toms.
• Florida: State law says that if you are a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you can not parachute on Sunday afternoons.
• Cleveland, Ohio: Woman aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes. A man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't."
• Tremont, Utah: No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.

A Sailor is sitting at a bar one night and is chatting it up with a beautiful blonde. After some drinks she starts to cry and tell him the sad story that she is Polish and misses home terribly but can't afford to buy a ticket to go home.

The sailor tells her his profession and makes a deal with her.

"I'll hide you away on my ship on one condition. You have to have sex with me when I ask."

She hugs him, crys and agrees. So late that night they sneak on to his ship and he hides her in a big life boat with a canvas cover. He tells her he'll bring her food and water and she'll just have to stay hidden because she'll be in big trouble if she's caught.

So for the next three weeks he brings her rations every day and sleeps with her every night.

Finally one day the captain is strolling on deck, sees something suspicious and lifts the cover discovering the girl. He yells "STOWAWAY!"

Scared she explains: "Dont be mad at me sir. One of your sailors stowed me away to take me home to Poland, and is having sex with me for payment!"

"No kidding? Lady... this is the Staten Island Ferry!"

How can you tell when a Jewish girl has an orgasm?
→ She drops her nail file.

There once was a girl from Wenatch,
She tried to get it on with a match,
She got so excited,
The damn thing ignited,
And burned all the hair off her snatch!

Why do men masturbate?
→ Because they want to have sex with someone they love.

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell." "MY dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what problem is?" "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up."

1. Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.
2. It takes five minutes to unknot your bodies.
3. An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.
4. The cat's exhausted from just watching you.
5. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.
6. You've both gone down one clothing size.
7. You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There's nothing left to adjust.
8. You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.
9. Boy, are you hungry!
10. You're absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.

On their wedding night the husband was so self-conscious about the smallness of his penis that before undressing, he snapped off the light. Once he was in bed, he unzipped his pants and handed his member to his bride.

"That's thoughtful, darling," she cooed, "but we'll need the light if you want to write thank-you notes."

The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake, and the waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion nearby. One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to whisper, "Darling am I the first man to make love to you?"

Her tone upon answering was slightly more than irritable. "Of course you are!" she said. "And also the best too. I don't know why you men always ask the same old ridiculous questions."

30 Things Never to Say to a Naked Man...

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird'.